Sadness/Happiness

Dear MM,

You told me about the story of your rings, she seems like a little girl that one couldn't have a heart to hurt her. She asked you carefully of going to choose the rings together, though you haven't known yet when you're going to get married.

I'm paradoxical, sometimes I feel that only you understand me, or only me understand you, but I sometimes I can feel the gap that we can't get through, when you asked me why I felt so sad, when you asked me why I was mad at you... Sometimes I think that maybe in the world we have the closest distance with each other, shorter than others , but I realize that we have so many other people in our life, when you told me that you count on her to remove your shadow in your heart...

I become more silent in front of you, as I finally learned that, the language cannot express all from the heart. Before the farewell, I tried always to explain to you what I have in my heart, but you still couldn't understand. As it doesn't matter anymore, I have to feel the loneliness and the helplessness all by myself.

Fangfang asked me the similar question, she asked me why I didn't feel like living in this world. I don't know, I can't give the answer. I feel the sadness and helplessness are swallowing me up.

Thank you for the encouragement and for the accompany, and for the pictures of your cute cat. I didn't know that your fiancee is writing a blog of her life too. And in English too. People around you so love you. You're so blessed. Everyone wants to write you down in their life. Hope you'll have more sunshine. I think our difference is that you couldn't see the sunshine, but for me, is that I could see the sunshine, but I know I still have the darkness where the sunshine hasn't yet reached. I feel a bit desperate in thinking maybe in the whole life, I couldn't make the sunshine reach that area. Maybe I'm supposed to live with the helplessness all the life long.

Missing you.

Love,

Miao

The Life

Hi Moumoun,

It's been so happy hanging around you recently. Though I haven't shared with you my sadness since so long time ago.

I think you may understand why I don't want a baby. Because I'm not good enough to be a good mother. And I don't want to destroy one's life. Ironically, I hope that I could have enough importance for some people in my life, for example, you. But I'm afraid of being so important to someone else that I'll destroy all.

I didn't want to stay fix in one place, God gave me a family.
I don't want to live, God may have put a life in my body.

He just wants me to face the responsibilities He gives me. I always want to run away, but I always stay, pretending that I'm obediant enough.

Moumoun, I don't know why you could guess that I'm pregnant. But do you know that I really want to hide myself and cry aloud on one's shoulder?

I dreamed a giant sea, deep blue last night.

Missing you.

Love,

Miao

Missing You

Dear MM,

Recently it's so coincident that you often asked me about the things I talked in the blog precedently. It seems like that you're reading my blog. Hahaha. It must be funny that when you really saw the blog one day (or never).

Last Friday you asked me whether Y wanted to have the children. My answer is probably. And finally I found myself is likely pregnant yesterday :( I wanted to talk with you face to face. But you don't come today. We must be destined to miss each other many times this life.

I really don't like the responsibility. I thought that with someone like you, you can understand me more easily, because you have the similar strugglings as me. But life is always the opposite, the more difficult way. You said that you'll miss me after I leave this mission. I don't know if it is because that you know we may not see each other again much. Or it is just because you felt that you would miss me with my absence, but when the day really comes, you'll forget what you said the other day. What's more, I've been absent for long time, haven't you ever realize that?

Dear Moumoun, I don't think that I could be a good mother. I don't know how to really love someone. If there's really a life in my body, I scare that what I think, what I act, what I eat would hurt him/her, or influence him/her in a bad way. A mother feeling insecure, how could she give the sense of security to her child. I don't want him/her to face the sadness, the breakness, the darkness of this ugly world...

I miss you, hope you'll get better and come tomorrow. Seeing you can always cheer me up in some way.

Love,

Miao

Disappointment & Suicide

Dear MM,

When the colleague called you Moumoun in front of me, I felt sad, as I know that Moumoun has gone away with the dying of another me.

Life is sad, you know it as well as me, maybe better than me. But still, when you talked about not afraid of death, I still feel sad, for you and for me, for both of us. Maybe we both are too disapponited with the world. But we couldn't choose suicide. As the life is supposed to be given and taken by God. It may be not a coincidence that after getting up this morning I saw an article about suicide. It says that the suicide is often caused by the depression, which is very commun in our daily life.
At the beginning, it quoted the passage of the poem of Edward Thomas :

Hope now,--not health nor cheerfulness,
Since they can come and go again,
As often one brief hour witnesses,--

Just hope has gone forever.

Those who live hard in the world  are those who have no hope. We Christians have hope in Jesus. That's why we're still living but sadly. But I can feel the light from God as I'm in the darkness. I still feel thankful, as I know my living here may be useful for some reason, as God is helping me. So are you. Moumoun, even though you feel dying is nothing scaring, but your existence here right now in this place means something, you may not know or realize, but the reason exists. I think you may know better than me, that's why you are still there, doing what you think are right.

Sorry for leaving you immediatement when the girl wanted to show the intimacy with you. I just felt it unnecessary to stay and to watch the drama. I know you understand me.

Hope you'll be better every day. I should rebegin praying for you and your family.

Miss you.

Love,

Miao

The Island

Dear MM,

You were saying that you might go to an island during the vocation soon in February. I still remember the message you sent to me asking whether I would go with you if you went to a deserted island.

It was just half a year ago. But it seems somewhere far far away in the dreams.

You said I seemed joyful recently. I said no. It's just I no longer show you the real me again. Because you don't like her either. You prefer a me always cheering others up. There's no need being vulnerable in front of you as you don't like my vulnerability. I'm sorry. I really feel sorry. You said that you're proud of me that I can hide my feelings. But for me, I hate myself for not have the possibility to be a real me in front of you. I hate myself having considered you as the one I could trust totally, but in the end it turned out that you couldn't afford it.

I have to let it go, no other choice, no matter how I don't really want. There're many things that I don't do, not because I can't, but because I don't want to. When you said that you found me being normal again, I just smiled. Maybe for you, a normal me should be like this, then I'll let you be happy with this.

Going to the island with her is a good idea. All the story about you and me and the island has been buried with the dying me.

Oh, I'll start the immersing into the sad sea. I have to stop. Just not to think a lot is better, I hope I can live simplier too. Thank you for being there to listen to me.

Missing you.

Love,

Miao

Down after Up

Dear MM,

I began to miss you again, maybe it's because the life seems more difficult after the "ups" last week. I feel missing some part of myself too. It seems that I'm not there. Maybe it's because of the afraid of getting pregnant, or just because of becoming familiar with the different me living without being vulnerable in front of you. Fangfang said she likes me like this more. Me like this makes everyone's life easier. But I don't like her, as I know it's not true her. As everyone prefers the simplicity, I choose the way much more popular. Maybe you've noticed too, something changed, in you and in me, and in us. It's not sad, but just the difference makes the situation a little bit unfamiliar and, a bit cold.

Sarah recommended me the book "Disappointment with God", for me it's all about disappointment about myself, maybe the idea behind is the disappointment with God. I'll read the book one day.

Luckily, I have you here, I can talk to you about anything. Though you never reply, I must have known your answer. Thank you for being my friend.

Still missing you.

Love,

Miao

Feeling Close

Dear MM,

It was so sweet that I could accompany with you to change the Polo, I felt so trusted and close to you, even though maybe it was just my feelings mixed with my imagination.

I didn't remember how you called me when you came out from the fitting room, asking me my advice. That moment I had even an illusion, which I shouldn't have. As a result I even felt a little bit guilty deep in my heart. The feeling of being trusted was very good. You even asked me to choose the color for you.

After the farewell, I haved learned to be prudent, I always remind myself not to take into heart all the sweet feelings. Thank you, for giving me the special feelings.

Missing you!

Love,

Miao

It was a good day

Dear MM,

It was a good day, maybe it was because I was looking forward to meeting S to hangout with her tonight.

The girl just came to ask me something, it was weird, I never liked her, why she asked me if I'm mad at her or I made her mad? I felt a bit guilt for one moment, just for one moment, because later when I saw her playing drama like being bullied by me in front of you! Luckily/sorry/Anyway, I don't care any more.

It was so nice talking with S, she shared her struggleing with me, I felt trusted and found my meaning on the world may be keeping all kinds of secrets. I talked to her a little about you too as I shared her my depression before the wedding. I think she must understand the struggle, I hesitated to tell her about the thinking of suicide, finally I gave up the thought. We both know that as Christians we should not feel that way, or think that way. She felt helpless too. Sometimes I think that I can feel the sadness of others , maybe it's just a reflection of myself.

I could feel that you felt very tired and stressed too. The life is difficult, but when I was on the train back home, I just thought that the life is beautiful too, as we are all connected like buttons together on the cloth of God.

It's so good that you're one of the buttons I had been linked to.

Have a good annual interview tomorrow, pray for you!

Love,

Miao

Lonely

Dear Moumoun,

Each time when I write the salutation, I hesite a bit, as I don't want someone other than you will understand what I write, I'm paradoxical, on one side, I hope that one day you may read all these letters, but on the other side, I don't think you will... Maybe because I still have the hope in my heart thinking the real you is not far away from the Moumoun to whom I'm writing the letter. Maybe one day when I completely give up, I'll change your name and keep this blog as my diary blog in writing a letter to my visual friend.

I don't know why I'm so upset about your accepting the flattering of another girl whom I don't appreciate at all. I though I had already convinced myself that I shouldn't give attention to how you treat others. But I still can't hold while seeing you doing the thing I hate most in the world, thinking that you keep flirting with every girl makes me sick, seeing her flirting with you and watching you enjoy the flirt makes me sick too. But really, it's none of my business, that's why I choose to shut up and just want to stay far away. I hate her acting the way of flirting in front of you while I'm by your side, so fake, can't you feel it? She never acts the same way before others with the accent like that. I feel so angry that you think I care too much, as you don't understand at all! She's not important at all for me, it's you, because you destroy the Moumoun in my heart, I thought he is integrate too... I feel like crying, when I know the you is an imagined one. I'm again alone here on the earth.

You may never understand me.

I feel so lonely, it's better always feeling lonely than you encounter someone you presume that you're not lonely and finally find that you're never no lonely.

I have to talk to you here. Missing you.

Love,

Miao

The lost and found

Dear Moumoun,

People are so easy to get lost, and to get something lost. Sometimes we think we've taken enough care of something, but when we lose it we just begin to realize, that some lost may never be restituted.

I watched a Chinese film (Dearest) last night after coming back from the study of BSF. I shouldn't have, as I couldn't stop myself staying up until the end of the film. The film tells a story about the parents getting the children lost. Mainly about a divorced couple who get their child lost and keep searching for about 4 years and finally found their only son.

It is a film giving me the feelings of desperation. Last film in which I could feel the same feelings is the file "Rachel's getting Married". Both of the two films describes the deep darkness in the hearts of people, so profondly and so really. Y asked me whether I would like to have a cute child after watching the film. I cried on the pillow saying no, because the world is so cruel, I don't know how to teach him/her to face it.

The little boy was just 3 years old when he was trafficked. 4 years later, he no longer could recognize his real parents, calling a village woman "Mama" in dialect. He was crying in the back of his father, when his father ran desperately after the first sight of him through all the researching through all these terrible years.

I can't imagine how difficultly may they've been through in the real life,  but the film reflects so well the realistics.

What a pity that the life has no sector like "the Lost and Found". Sometimes we're lucky enough to get something back, though much time has passed. But most of the time we have to endure all the desperation we have to be through, just because the life sometimes plays some jokes.

Taking care is never enough.

Take care of what is important for you, MM !

Love,

Miao

Easy or Hard

Hi Moumoun,

Thank you for today, I felt the similar feeling as before when we were close, it seems that Moumoun came back. I felt so unreal standing beside you, watching you choosing your shirt and asking my advice.

But... I couldn't feel the peace and joy again like before.







But I still enjoyed being next to you.
Maybe what I thought hard to forget doesn't take much pain, and what I thought easy to get rid of will stay through the time.

Love,

Miao

Charlie

Dear MM,

It seems that people are becoming more and more indifferent. I have no right to judge, as I'm indifferent too sometimes about the life. I had been thinking always of leaving the world, but the moment I knew the event of Charlie Hebdo, I was still a bit shocked. Leaving the world may appear beautiful for some people, but for those still live in the ugly world, they're just facing with the ugliness with courage.

I read one article of San Mao telling a story about herself when she was in the primary school, where she encountered a friend, but the friendship destroyed by her teacher who thought that her friend might have some evil thoughts for this little girl. I felt the similar pain of the indifference. Most of people around me just continue their life normally, in spite of the news spread on the internet saying so many people gathered together to mourn. The two terrorists are still at large.

We become like Charlie, we just make critics, which doesn't change anything in our life. I'm sure after one or two weeks, everything will be like nothing happened before.

It's the greatness and the weakness of time. People are so tended to forget through the time.

For you, I think maybe I've already shaken off the chained I added to myself thinking of you as a friend to protect with life. You in reality is not the one that I should consider as much precisous.

Sorry.

I'm indifferent too, though I thought I wasn't.

Love,

Miao

Distance

Dear MM,

It was terrible having the headache and fever which didn't want to leave me during these days. I was lying in bed all day long through the whole three days. Sometimes I told myself, my passion for you and our friendship are similar to this kind of fever, they'll leave definitely one day after long sufferings. Carrie told me to take it easy and to have a good rest. It seems that the rest and time can cure anything. What a pity that nowadays, no one want to have a real rest and take time.

After two days' rest at home I finally cured a lot and got decided to come to work, but the transport had a big problem because of someone's suicide. He/she couldn't wait to take time and chose to rest forever. I took almost 3 hours to come to the office.

You're not there again. We missed each other for many times like this. If I ask several days off, the day I go to work you're certainly not there. It seems that through the time, I learn more and more how to deal with the distance with you and the time without you.

It's already 2015 now, I'm being dragged by the time over all the ups and downs. Luckily I have my God reminding me always to have rest in Him. I've latented so much time in the rest. It seems that this distance is "perfect" for you. Not being disturbed, totally in control. Because I've already given up the worry whether you'll forget me or not, whether I'm important enough for you or not. These are no longer important any more.
I even imagined whether I died of illness will change anything for you, sadly I found that I was just nothing. It's cold with or without you, as the distance you enjoy gives no longer enough warmth.

Hope I'll miss you less and less, though you appeared again in the dream.

Love,

Miao

Long time no see

Hi MM,

I'm been so busy during the holidays, so many guests, and being invited too.

Speaking of the concert, it was tiring, there're so many things superficial in the world, sometimes, I'm one of them too even I try to be different. Maybe because of seing to much happened during these years in the church, I found so many things are just like a show.

As I have been reading Echo's (San Mao) articles, she said in the Bible, Proverbs 3,

"Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man."

I hope I can still learn to keep loving and being faithful, in Chinese "faithfulness" is translated in "sincerity", I was happy to see this phrase.

But loving really need energy and wisome, just three days' holiday made me very weak, I'm so sick, and had the fever last night. It reminds me of my efforts I made for you.

I really need a good rest.

Love,

Miao