Dream

Moumoun,

Maybe you'll never know how much I miss you.

I was dreaming of you this morning (or last night). In the dream I was crying, saying goodybye in the telephone to you. I told you that I couldn't keep waiting for you while you never told me where and how long you would go away. It was so sad the dream.

It was just 3 days since we said goodbye on the last day of the mission, but it seemed to be a long century. You said that you were sure that we would keep in touch for longtime in the thank you card the colleagues gave me. I don't even have the courage to see it the second time, as I know it must not be true. I have disappeared gradually from your life. It was a long goodbye. But I made really a great effort to do that.

From tomorrow on, I'll have a new life. I hope I can go as far as I can.

Love,

Miao

Don't wanna cry for you any more

Dear Moumoun,

What should I say to you?

You kept me working all by myself on the difficult project. And then you finally gave me up and asked your friend to sit beside me to "help" me. I felt so offended and I even cried. Then you asked me to talk with you.

Your attitude was not so pleasant. You asked me what reason do I have to keep far away from all the others, what reason I have to be sad like this. You said you hated me more and more because I was acting like this. All I did was to make myself less and less important to you. All you asked I couldn't say anything to be against, because I knew that all what you said you just wanted me to be agree that I was wrong, I shouldn't consider myself not important, and the subject of being in love with you had been already discussed, should be closed, there was no equality of love between two people, what I asked for was dominion not friendship, we never could be equal, friends at work didn't need to say goodbye as we see each other everyday, etc etc. In the end you asked me to do the efforts not being isolated with others for you, to please you.

I didn't say much, as I knew, what I said wouldn't count, you wouldn't take it.  What's the meaning to be together with you once I decided no longer to be next to you to protect myself? I went to coffee, I went to have lunch with you because I always wanted to be with you. Once the reason didn't exist anymore, what's the meaning of doing these things? I don't feel good, I feel sad and just want to get away from the people, why you forced me to pretend nothing mattered? You just wanted to be comfortable for yourself, didn't you? 

I made efforts the next day, but what had changed? You still talked with your friend leaving me alone with the girl I don't like. You teased with the girl, you said almost nothing to me. And then the next day I made again the efforts to have coffee with you guys, you said you've had an interview with a Chinese girl, more pretty than me but less stupid, when you were saying the word "stupid", you liked directly into my eyes. I felt offended again, because I knew you were talking about us. I sent you a long texto the day you talked to me. But you never replied, and you said that I was stupid in front of everyone. I'm sorry, I had made the most efforts for you, but you didn't cherish it. I cried a lot yesterday. Because of your talking I havent been sleeping well since the day you "talked".

You made me really angry and sad. As a friend of you, when you were sad, I followed you everywhere, I accompanied you, I waited by your side, waited for the moment you needed me. But when I'm sad, you leave me alone for long time. The real talk we had was just to tell me that I have no reason to be sad, I should be together with you and the guys with whom you've replaced me all through this year. I'm sorry I couldn't, seeing you being together just reminds me that you've been ready to get rid of me while you wanted me to accept it happily. Sorry, I couldnt. And I'm sad I don't want and couldn't pretend that Im not. I'm sorry that I have no ability to say stop to stop loving you or stop considering you as important. If I had, life must had been much easier for me.

I told myself not to cry for you again. Hope for this I can improve my ability.

Love,

Yao

It's been a year

Dear Moumoun,

It's been a year. I still remember the night I cried for you. I stayed up all night log struggling about getting married. Last year at bout this time, I recommended you the song Say Something. It's been a year, but this song still can have me respnated.

All through this year I've learned a lot, about love, about myself and about God. Not being able to control my feelings once made me feel very guilty. Then I finally realize that's why I need the help from God. If love was really the feeling I decided to accept that and decided to love you like God loves me. God loves me silently, always opening His arms to me. While my love for you was selfish and easy to get me jealous. And now I couldn't even keep the friendship with you. Just because I couldn't love you as I thought I could.

Once I found that I was not so important to you, I felt offended and depressed, even desperate. I couldn't help myself thinking over and over again about what you had said and that you failed to do. You appeared so impatient to me and you had no time to understand me. Even as a friend I could not understand how you can ignore an "important" person like this. Not to say that I love you so much, it's much easier to feel hurt.

In order to protect myself, I chose to stay far away. I don't know whether you understand or not, as you always appeared and confirmed that you understand while doing the things proving that you hadn't understand. I don't know what this situation will lead. But as for now, it is the best choice.

I count each day to leave so that I'll never see you again. As you employee and the only person who works for the project, I have to ask for your help, while you always have no time for me, the same way you treat me as a friend. You said that I'm always susceptible and as a pregnant woman my mood is so changeable. What else could I say? You never tried to put on my shoes, even once.

It is a shame that I always write the same grumbles here which has no sense at all. It just can't change anything.

Now let me say something sweet. I've dreamed of you twice recently. You protected me from two bad dogs, and hold me as I was crying.

Love,

Miao