What should I say to you?
You kept me working all by myself on the difficult project. And then you finally gave me up and asked your friend to sit beside me to "help" me. I felt so offended and I even cried. Then you asked me to talk with you.
Your attitude was not so pleasant. You asked me what reason do I have to keep far away from all the others, what reason I have to be sad like this. You said you hated me more and more because I was acting like this. All I did was to make myself less and less important to you. All you asked I couldn't say anything to be against, because I knew that all what you said you just wanted me to be agree that I was wrong, I shouldn't consider myself not important, and the subject of being in love with you had been already discussed, should be closed, there was no equality of love between two people, what I asked for was dominion not friendship, we never could be equal, friends at work didn't need to say goodbye as we see each other everyday, etc etc. In the end you asked me to do the efforts not being isolated with others for you, to please you.
I didn't say much, as I knew, what I said wouldn't count, you wouldn't take it. What's the meaning to be together with you once I decided no longer to be next to you to protect myself? I went to coffee, I went to have lunch with you because I always wanted to be with you. Once the reason didn't exist anymore, what's the meaning of doing these things? I don't feel good, I feel sad and just want to get away from the people, why you forced me to pretend nothing mattered? You just wanted to be comfortable for yourself, didn't you?
I made efforts the next day, but what had changed? You still talked with your friend leaving me alone with the girl I don't like. You teased with the girl, you said almost nothing to me. And then the next day I made again the efforts to have coffee with you guys, you said you've had an interview with a Chinese girl, more pretty than me but less stupid, when you were saying the word "stupid", you liked directly into my eyes. I felt offended again, because I knew you were talking about us. I sent you a long texto the day you talked to me. But you never replied, and you said that I was stupid in front of everyone. I'm sorry, I had made the most efforts for you, but you didn't cherish it. I cried a lot yesterday. Because of your talking I havent been sleeping well since the day you "talked".
You made me really angry and sad. As a friend of you, when you were sad, I followed you everywhere, I accompanied you, I waited by your side, waited for the moment you needed me. But when I'm sad, you leave me alone for long time. The real talk we had was just to tell me that I have no reason to be sad, I should be together with you and the guys with whom you've replaced me all through this year. I'm sorry I couldn't, seeing you being together just reminds me that you've been ready to get rid of me while you wanted me to accept it happily. Sorry, I couldnt. And I'm sad I don't want and couldn't pretend that Im not. I'm sorry that I have no ability to say stop to stop loving you or stop considering you as important. If I had, life must had been much easier for me.
I told myself not to cry for you again. Hope for this I can improve my ability.
Love,
Yao
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