One day less

Dear Moumoun,

Do you know how suffering it is that I count every day before the end of my mission? I have to see you each day, but keep myself far away from you, and not too far as I have to work with you. You brought the strawberries today. I don't want myself thinking that you brought it for me. I don't wanna think that I'm as important for you, and get disappointed again.

Fang fang asked me once whether I'm happier leaving you or staying with you. I said to her that staying with you I'm sometimes very happy but often get really really sad, and leaving you makes my life not happy, but not so sad either. It's better staying away.

You thought that the coming back of A will make me happier? I hated how you said that. But his return doesn't change anything. You never know your importance to me. But it doesn't matter, as long as I will say goodbye to you. Hopefully never see you again.

It's really magic the time. Not long ago I couldn't imagine the life without you, and now I'm thinking of saying farewell as soon as possible. You've changed me so much. I'm afraid that I am not able any more to give one my heart as I did for you. It really hurt a lot.

You mentioned seeing me again in October to prepare for my interview. I asked you why I had to do it with you. You never thought about the possibility of losing me so you could treat me not caring for me as much? I'm really sorry that you were too important to me that I can feel that there's little care for me from you.

Bye bye Moumoun, hope the end comes earlier.

Miao

The sooner, the better

Dear Moumoun,

Though it is so difficult for me to keep the distance with you, it worth my efforts. Thinking of leaving soon I felt so excited and relaxed. Finally I don't have to be tortured by suppressing the feelings as long as I see you no more.

I think it'll must be good staying at home. I'm so happy that I will leave all these behind. I don't know whether one day you'll understand me, it doesn't matter any more. I think it will be too late for you to understand if you can really understand it.

You wanted to let me know that you never abandoned me, but all what you have done and said made me so desperate that whether you realize it doesn't make any difference. Because for me you've abandoned me since long long ago, since the misunderstanding about the pretty colleague. You like being surrounded by the women and by this very beautiful woman, then go ahead. You don't know how to cherish the really precious things for me. I think that we're just so different. You'll never feel my feelings and my hurt. Because you don't have a heart for me.

At the beginning I thought that you had a warm heart hidden, then I realized that you might not have a heart as you said yourself, and finally I knew that you just don't have a heart for me.

Recently the weather is so nice. Every day will pass very quickly.

Farewell, my Moumoun.

Miao

Peace

Dear Moumoun,

I felt a lot more peace today, even though I was so mad when I felt your impatience when I asked you the questions about work.

Last night's bible study was so great, the ladies in my group shared a lot about God. That was so encouraging. God has a plan, God is ahead of me, God is with me, even I lose you. God has prepared much more better than that. What would matter more than His being with me. 

When I'm writing this I saw the rainbow!!!! And there were two of them! It was the covenant you made with Noah. Thank you Lord!!!!! Moumoun, God is so kind to me. Although the story between us may end sadly. I feel so comforted and encouraged by His comfort.

Share with you the two rainbows.

Byebye, the sadness.

Love,
Miao

Missing you

Dear Moumoun,

I'm missing you. Still thinking about yesterday your kindness and gentleness to me. You took off my headphone gently and draw my hand to go with you, to go to have the coffee with you. Your look on me was so gentle, I couldn't refuse you, couldn't resist falling into the swirl.

I even imagined what I wanted to say to you for the last day of my mission. I couldn't accompany you for you future, I'am being egoist to be far from you, just because I can't get rid of my feeling of being hurt. I was a bit confused, I don't know what you were trying to do was because you don't want to lose me as friend or you don't want me to feel sad. But you'll never lose me, and beding sad is just my choice. Or maybe the moment when my feeling has changed means our friendship has finished. You tried everything to make me laugh, telling me what you liked as cartoon when you were younger. I love the feeling beside you. But I couldn't have the chance to always be next to you. You have another future ahead of you. I shouldn't be the one who hold you back. The ending must be and could only be leaving you silently.

Loving you from far and silently must be a better choice for both of us.

Miao

Friendship

Dear Moumoun,

What is the friendship to you?

Today you approached to me again asking me why I'm so sad recently. I don't know why you asked, maybe for you what is said shouldn't be counted as much. But I'm really sorry, I remember what you said and don't take it for granted. Maybe we're really from two different world, or you've left the world where you used to be.

I don't know whether you never understand me since the beginning or you just don't want to understand me since your life became better.

I asked you why do you need the friends, you said maybe for listening to you. Then I asked you if we don't see each other again as often as now cos we work together, when will you talk to me. You answered when we see each other again. As what you have said in the sms, you said normally you meet the important friends once a year. I told you that you're more important than I'm to you, you always don't want to admit. Maybe I don't know you enough, but what I feel is that I'm not so important to you.

It's sad to realize that, but it's sadder that you want me to believe that it's not true and to continue to bear being ignored and forgotten each time.

Could you please be nicer to me? If you don't need me any more, it's ok, as long as I feel upset and then I'll leave all will go better. No need to pretend, it's really not that important and that makes no sense at all, if you don't feel that way, no need to be guilty, just accept it. We both are not perfect. We have so much more to learn in this life. I know I'm not the one you really cherish. I've already learned to accept it. Please don't draw me back to suffer again. I don't want to cry for you any more in the midnight and asking days off just to avoid seeing you. You are my weakness, everything related to you may cause difficulties for me.

You've forgotten how close we were when you were in the difficult period. But you pushed me away again and again when I have difficulties with you. I was so desperate that I had to give up. Please try to understand me without being mad. You never take what I say into account when you're mad at me.

I feel really sad seeing you each day. You can stay with new friends, and I prefer to stay alone. It's ok that you abandon me, it's ok that you think you are always right. Maybe it's really my fault, because I took you too important and I am to serious about what you said and what you did, because I'm not simple and cool as you are.

I missed the sunshine when we were together on the grass in the small park nearby.

Moumoun, you've gone too far, and to fast and you didn't wait for me, I'm sorry, I may not catch up with you, I can't continue to chase you without your looking.

Miss you so much, but I can do nothing, I told you that I would not bother you again.

1. Miao

Courchevel

Dear Moumoun,

You might not understand why I'm so easy to be upset. That's because you never understand me and never make efforts to think on others' side. The courchevel for you maybe just a little piece of cake. But as a pregnant woman I had to take the transport with two hands holding the two boxes while most of the one hour I had no seat. The second box with three smaller cakes wasreserved to you and your friend in case that you couldn't eat it with others, and for myself too because I really wanted to have one.

But you just put it into the fridge and ignore it for a whole day and now three days. I shouldn't have thought so much about you, and shouldn't expect that you wouldn't ignore me, as you said although I was often ignored, but I was always important for you. It's so funny thinking of this. The cake is always waiting, but you never have time to taste it. It'll be corrupted while waiting as my waiting for you. I decided not to wait any more, although it had already become a habit for me. But I have to quit this habit, I don't want to cry for you each time, I don't want to ask my days off just because of not wanting to see you. If this is the way of being important, I want you to be as important as this, that I could ignore you as you ignore me.

I finally become like you, but I don't feel happy.

Here's one message sent to you :
I'm sorry I have to do all this, you don't know how to cherish, I felt so hurt that I couldn't let myself pretend nothing matters any more. You just take my efforts for granted each time. It's like the courchevel. For a moment I event wanted to decide not to eat it again. You just left it in the fridge just as ignoring me. It's ridiculous saying you don't remember me as often but I'm important, saying if I need you you're always there although you cannot always be there... I think you don't know how to cherish the really important things, maybe it's just not as important as how you describe them. Or maybe all what you say doesn't count. But I'm not this kind of person, I take seriously what I say and what you say as you are so important to me. But you don't understand. I chose to let it go, as you don't care for so many things I think it must not be as painful for you. I hoped that I could love you like God loves me, but I couldn't stand each time feeling being ignored by you and having to accept your excuses each time convincing myself that it was my problem feeling not important to you. I've explained to you so many times. I think you yourself haven't realized that as your focus has changed, you no longer need me. You always joked that I was not replaceable while you've already replaced me part by part. I feel heartbroken that I have to be like you, but I have no other choices, have I?

Miao