I need some sleep

Dear Moumoun,

I can't fall asleep and I re read what you said just now. You're so indifferent, and I decided to abandon all. From now on Moumoun is totally a visual person, who doesn't exist at all in the world. I said that as a good friend, you don't even have the time for me. The time you were spending on me was just to convince me that my problem is not problem and I should stop to create the problems.

Anyway, you don't need me any more. You have a fiancée to share your heart. You have your friend and other colleagues to laugh with you. You no longer need me. It's very sad to realize this, but it's better to realize than to keep treating myself.

I shouldn't shed the tears any more for you. You seem not care at all. Though it pains a lot, I have to face everyday until June.

Bye bye the fake Moumoun, if I realized earlier maybe we could have been better being just normal friends.

Miao

Being your friend

Dear Moumoun,

I have to say that each day facing you is difficult. I don't know why your other friends don't have this kind of problems. I still have pain not knowing how to be your "good friend".

You always say that what you've done to me, what you've shared with me is already a lot for you. But for me, a good friend will not hesitate to contact me if he/she is missing me. He/ she will tell me the good news or bad news of himself/herself the first moment. He/she will never leave without saying goodbye to me when I was just 2 meters away, he/she will never ignore me when I am just by his/her side, he/she will try his/her best to do what he/she said to me... I don't know whether we have different criteria for being a good friend of someone. Sometimes I should say even a normal friend think of me a lot more than you. I'm sorry that I often feel disappointed about you, which disappoint you too. But I can't help feeling being hurt.

I'm trying to be a "good friend" in your definition. My love for you is that I keep waiting silently, I couldn't make any effort any more. I'm really tired of trying each time and easily beaten by your reaction. I'm really sorry, I don't have more love to push me, and I think you don't need that either, you're being comfortable like this. If it is just me who am uncomfortable, then that's me who should change. Though I think it may take long to adapt, I'll leave in June anyway.

I really miss my best friend.

Miao 

Day by Day

Dear Moumoun,

I saw you again. You were happy to see me again. You said it was a pleasure to see me again and you missed me so much.

I don't know what to say to you. It left not so much to tell you in my heart since last time when we talked. Before I leave, seeing you once means the days left to be with you are minused by one day. Maybe you would say even we don't see each other, the final date is approaching anyway.

You're getting married in four months. Good for you, finally you fix the date. Congratulations!

Miao

Don't wanna see you again

Dear Moumoun,

Although I've told you almost everything, and you said that doesn't matter that I love you more than you love me, which will change nothing as you knew that already, I still couldn't have the courage to see you again.

I'm special to you but you're too special for me that I don't want to live a life without you. But that's the way it should be. We always have the difference, seeing you again means that I have to face the problem again, and I have to wait this very coming day silently watching you and being next to you, while the fact doesn't influence you much, as you're just don't want be too close to me always.

I have to face it if I see you again, I can still hide here in my little world by keeping busy not to think about the future.

Missing you but not wanting to see you.

Love,

Miao

Farewell to Moumoun

Dear Moumoun,

Maybe it's time for me to say goodbye to you. Finally it's my turn to say the farewell. I thought this day would never come. But I think this will change nothing in your life. I've considered myself too much for you. I'm just a colleague with whom you could open your heart more. Just a special colleague. A little more friend. You were angy with me not because you're close to me to behave naturally, it's just that you thought you could be natural before me, like most of other people.

It's sad to realize it, but it's better to know that than later. When compared to others, what you've done was really nothing than a good colleague. I thought you have problems to care people, but finally I realize that you just don't want to because you don't consider them worthy your energy and time.

Maybe it's not grateful to say all this, but I'm sorry, most of the time I couldn't feel my importance to you. I've cried so much for you, I've had enough. You never consider me as a so close a friend as I thought of you.

You've passed your difficult time, you no longer need a Miao.

I'm sorry I may not keep my promise to make efforts to keep you as my best friend, but it really hurts being alone to get through all the difficulties. I think we could still be friends, but just friends.

Miao

Blue

Dear Moumoun,

Sorry for not being able to pretend everything is Ok, and not being able to tell you anything face to face.

You make me sadder that you didn't say goodbye to me.  You said once, that though I didn't get all your attention, but I'm privileged in your heart. Does that mean that though you foget me often, I'm still important to you?

I'll never do the same thing to you. I just can't. I feel that you're cruel to me, but how could I complain, this is all my own choice.

I read an article saying by the time we've grown up we get used to the departure of the passengers in our life, that we don't take time to say goodbye. But I'm still not grown up, I have to prepare the goodby long time before I leave. We never know what will happen next moment, I prefer not to leave things for me to regret. You're one of them. I don't know what sense it makes to you, but it means a lot to me.

You always say that I don't know how important I am to you, but usually I couldn't feel as much as you describe. You were joking about leaving work to take care of the baby with me, you were joking that you would make the declaration of love to me... Don't you know that some jokes hurts more than makes laugh?

We seem close in the heart, but in the real life we even don't contact each other often. You always say that you don't contact me because you don't want bother me. But the closeness of you to me should mean that you're someone that I never hesitate when I want to contact you. Our relationship is so weird. I don't know what should I do. 

Hope this two months will pass quickly.

Miao

Shame

Dear Moumoun,

Life seems different since last week. I don't want to go to work to see you. What mattered to me no longer matters. Not being with you still makes me feel sad, but I tend to be more comfortable to accept it. As I know it's definitely the part of my life I have to accept.

You joked that how could you do without me at work. But for me it was really a problem. The difference now is that I'm learning to accept it.

I feel ashamed, being jealous with the girl with whom you'll spend your rest of your life. I feel sad that I could not participate in you future life. I feel jealous thinking that so many things you could do but you didn't do to me is just because you didn't want to, it's just that I'm not as important as this girl to you...

How could I complain this, I have no right, all what you had done was reasonable, because we are just friends.

I hate myself thinking I could love you purely without asking rewards, but I couldnt; I hate myself thinking through all these irreasonable needs.it should have been much better to admit being in love with you and then have the heart broken for a short period and then all will become normal. But now I could do nothing, I have to play the role as the fox as well as I can though my heart is breaking because I couldn't have a same big heart.

It's been just not even 2 years, but it seemed that I've already spenty whole life loving you, it's tood hard for me, Moumoun. I feel so sorry and so ashamed with myself. I hope God could help me to do better.

Miao

I'm only human

Dear Moumoun,

I feel so sad today, you asked me why but I couldn't say anything. Each time when I'm all by myself and thinking it all through I am about to burst into tears.

I couldn't tell you that it's because of you that I feel bad. I have no reason to be sad, but I am. And I don't know how to get rid of it, because I know that I can change nothing. I can't change my love for you, I can't show it before you, I can't say anything as I am ashamed by myself.

I thought I would love you no matter how you react, but I failed. Seeing you how you love your fiancée makes me sad, because you'll never treat me that way, and I will not participate in your future life.

What am I supposed to do? I accepted my weakness of maybe being in love with you, but I can't accept that I couldn't love you silently, accepting the fact you don't love me as I do for you.

I feel so sorry, I can't say anything to break out friendship, and I couldn't say anything, I feel broken down, I have to write it here.

How I wish I could tell you all this and leave forever, but I cant.

I've given my heart and can't get it back, I've had to many nights thrown at my back,

(Chorus)

Wouldn't it be easy to throw it all away,

Wouldn't it be easy to call it a day,

How do you love when you're broken,

I've had enough,

I'm only human,

I can't control what is out of my hands, God knows sometimes I just don't understand,

(Chorus)

So wouldn't it be easy to just turn the page,

Wouldn't it be better to throw the book away,

How do you love when you're broken,

I've had enough,

I'm only human,

I'll say in time there's a reason and a rhyme,

It's just a season with some lessons for your life,

But I wanna know why today is so much colder,

And I wanna know when the storm clouds will be over,

I wanna love when I'm broken,

I wanna love,

I'm only human,

When I see the sun I am starting again,

No matter the luck it's never the end.

Love,

Miao

A good fox

Dear Moumoun,

I've usually talked about the little prince with you, because I always think that I'm the fox. But I realize that I'm not a good fox. I'm so selfish. I don't know whether she would be happy to know that the little prince live happily afterwards with the rose. I think she should. 

I felt ashamed being not happier when I knew that you wrote a very long email to your fiancée, I should, because you opened your heart and make efforts to talk first about what you think... I felt sad because I wrote to you similar things to you, but you never replied, and, you never write to me something like that. But on what should my sadness be based? I feel so embarrassed that I have this kind of feeling. I should be a good fox, feeling happy for you, because you've learned how to love someone, even that person is not me.

Anyway, it is a sad story about the little prince. I don't know whether he understands the fox. Maybe he is like you, not understanding why I'm so easy to be sad about the departure, and keep being impatient with me never noticing that I felt ignored. You might think that I would always be there as I had promised you, but you might not know that sooner you'll need me no longer. You don't understand why I complain but never make effort. But you don't know, often for the people who have left, all the efforts to try to keep in touch are not as meaningful as they thought before the departure. It's just a decoration of the life which is already colorful, not a warm light in the night accompanying you going through the darkness. Maybe you'll never understand, but it'll be too late once you understand.

I can't imagine how the little fox stand the pain after the little prince left. How does she get over the habits of waiting him every afternoon? How long does it take not to be reminded of him by the sound of wind passing through the wheat field? Or never? How could she stand not to look at the beautiful night sky to look for the star where he lives?

I don't know how much she must be going through, I want to see the sunset with her, talking about the little prince we've met, and how I wish that he should be happy.

Love,

Miao

So much to say

Dear Moumoun,

I have so much to tell you, but each time I don't know how to say it. I felt happy that you two get back along well together. Maybe it was my misunderstanding, I always feel that you are leaving me away. But it's natural, as you have new life, and you'll have a new family soon. You might say again that I don't trust you. But ... Sometimes it's hard to face the change.

We no longer go home together, you get used to not reply my messages. You don't share so much in your heart with me any more. Maybe I'm not losing you, I'm just losing the patience I had for you.

But what can I ask for? I'm just not that important. And technically I don't need to be important to you either. As the theory of true love is never asking the reward. But sometimes I still feel blue, sometimes feeling ignored and lonely.

Luckily, this kind of feeling normally doesn't stay for long. Because I can write to you this way, even though you might never read them...

It really hurt seeing you being hurt so hard. You said you've forgiven her, but it'll take a bit long time to feel better, like when you were mad at me, even you forgave me, but it took long to get better. Maybe it's not fair to say that, but I felt more hurt than you, I didn't say anything like "never be friend again"... And you didn't try to understand me, while I made every effort to let you understand me, you never replied me... It was why this blog was born.

I couldn't tell whether I prefer the period before or after when you said that. But I prefer myself now than before. At least I'm more rational about my feelings for you and I accept it.

If it should be this way that works between you and me, I'll let it be.

In my head I've imagined millions of times that we'll not keep in touch after I leave this mission, every time I feel the same pain. But I insist cherishing every moment I can enjoy with you, as I don't know which one will be the last one.

I have so much to say, so much...

Love,

Miao

Little Prince with the rose

Dear Moumoun,

I'm so worried about you, but as haven't yet got any response from you, I think you must prefer being alone or you're busy dealing with you fiancee.

It was just yesterday that you said you found it was too quick. Today with an angry face, you said that you were really hurt and sad. I feel so sorry, but also helpless. It seems that I can do nothing for you.

The rose you love is with the thorn, it must have hurt you by opening the heart to hug her. It's gonna be okey, dear. Though I know nothing about the reason, and I don't need to know. But it really hurts seeing you like that.

I think the rose also loves you, as she shows you the way she is.

Hope everything going well between you.

Love,

Miao