And then you

Dear MM,

I thank God that I have you in my life. You're so special for me, sometimes it feels more than friendship, sometimes it feels more like family, sometimes more than lovers. Maybe that's because this kind of emotion is so precious for me that I'm always afraid that I'll lose it one day.

You said that even your girlfriend haven't see you angry like you were with me laat time, as for you, you're the only opposite sex that I could be totally transparent. My love for you is hard to explain, but I hope/think that you might understand You're my little prince that I want to watch over.

I just saw a film in which a father wrote to his daughter saying that "the unbeautifulness of the world is to prove the existence of the beauty". You begin to take easy with your life, it may be better for you, at least you begin to appreciate the beauty of the world.

I loved the song And Then You when I first listened to it.

I often think about you when I listen to the music.

Thank you for wanting to take me to the Cafe of cats.

Love,

Miao

"And Then You"

How my thoughts they spin me 'round
And how my thoughts they let me down
And how my thoughts they spin me 'round
And how my thoughts they let me down

How my dreams they spin me 'round
And how my dreams they let me down
And how my thoughts they spin me 'round
And how my thoughts they let me down

And then there's you
Then there's you
And then there's you
Then there's you

How my love it spins me 'round
And how my love it's let me down
And how my thoughts they spin me 'round
And how my thoughts they let me down

And then there's you
Then there's you
And then there's you
Then there's you

You know I know who that you love
I've written it on myself, if you can't tell
With a melody that climbs and then falls, then falls, then falls
Without you, without you

How my days they spin me 'round
And how today it sets me down
And how my days they spin me 'round
And how today it sets me down

Alongside you
Alongside you
Alongside you

Little Prince

Dear MM,

These two days you always appeared in my dreams, I don't know why I missed you so much that even in my dream you were still there.

I love your voice when you were reading the fable and "the Little Prince", imagining that you children would be very happy to have a father reading bedtime stories to them.

I never would think that I could remember where the fox appeared in the book, when I was saying Chapter 21, it was just an intuition. I love the fox in the book, because I know that I'm usuallly the fox waiting for the little prince, and seeing the little prince leaving saying that everytime when it sees the grain, the color will always remind it of him.

"The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . ."

The prince has tamed fox, but was tamed by the rose. he went back to see his beloved instead of carrying on the responsibility for fox.

Who is your rose? But I think I'm your little fox.

Love,

Miao

One Year - New Life

Dear Moumoun,

I noticed your lost today, when you said that you couldn't sleep well, I suddenly thought of something and began to check last year's flight ticket. It was today last year when I came back from China to work. You were in a bad mood, and you said you would tell me on the way home. You didn't say anything until after 2 stations together on the line A. You told me that you lost your father the week before. I saw your red eyes. At that moment all I wanted was to hug you deeply. But I stayed frozen in the train watching your leaving figure while the doors closed.

It's been a whole one year. I don't know how you and your family survived, but you did it. There had been so many times that I wanted to be aside with you but I didn't know how. Maybe you could feel my heart, couldn't you?

This is the anniversary, you saw the lost of life but I saw the new life in me this morning first. Life is magic when it comes and it goes. But life keeps going on. You've been brave enough to suffer the pain of losing the life you love, while I have to have much more courage to face the new life I want to love.

Moumoun, maybe this is God talking to you too, isn't it? You said that you were joking with you girlfriend to marry her, I know you might be serious in your heart, you need a new family to warm you to help you to think of the pain less.

You'll have much more new life in the new year, my dear, have a good night, pray for you to have a good sleep.

Love,

Miao

Bruxelles - midi

Dear Moumoun,

I've taken the day off to go to Brussel to see Grace with Melinda and Carrie. We had a really good time, although what we've done was just talking and a little bit walking, and eating too!

Spending time with the girls worths always. I couldn't even notice how much it took us from Paris to Brussels, or Brussels to Paris either! It didn't make me feel sad when waving goodbye to Grace. She was standing there using hands and mouth communicating with us. Maybe it was like what Carrie said, it was happy seeing them having happy and new life there. Melinda said that sometimes there were some people when they left, we would know that we would never meet them again, but Grace was not that kind of people, we didn't want her to feel forgotten.

In fact I felt this trip was what Carrie prepared for me too, She wanted to cheer me up too, she wanted me to share the baby's news with them. A short trip during the break after all the fatigue.

I'm so blessed to have the sisters around me. They always reminded me that I was not alone and I was not forgotten either.

You said you tried to look for the perfect rose in 3 flowershop but didn't find any. Sometimes it really doesn't matter what the gift is like, as they know your heart.

Love,

Miao

Byebye Byebye

Dear MM,

The real you always makes me want to cry. And Moumoun is always in my mind. It's difficult to find a balance for me. Moumoun, the real you'll never understand me.

Fangfang told me to leave as far as I can, I always couldn't do it. I always reminded myself that I have to keep my promises to you. In fact it is just a promise for myself, for the little girl who still believe in love and beauty...

I said that I was to difficult for you to understand, maybe I should just give you peace. You said it was ok, as long as you know why, so that you don't ask yourself the questions.

What I'm feeling doesn't matter to you at all...

Moumoun, maybe, one day you'll say Byebye too? The day when I no longer believe the purity in this world?

Sitting here is agreeable, hope I can stay in the sunshine for my whole life, watching the Seine and feeling the waving on the board. I'm always struggling with the reality and the imagination. I don't know where I'm heading for, I don't know which way is better, saying goodbye to the childish me or saying goodbye to the world.

I don't want to blame it all on you. Fan fang said it was all your fault that you've changed a pure cute little girl to a crazy and desperate one. As for me, the sadness is one part of the beauty, but it really hurts sometimes.

To What should I say goodbye?

Sorry Moumoun. I don't want you to feel abandoned, but I don't know how long could I stand the pain.

Love,

Miao

Abandon

Dear MM,

"Abandon" is the first word to memorize for GRE preparation for most students in China.

I learn the meaning of the word more by the life. I was sent to school earlier than other children, I was always the youngest in the class until coming here. I don't have an impressed childhood, it's always black and white for me, no color. I prefered staying at home reading, listening to the music, or sneaking to watch TV when the parents weren't there.

I was not the smartest child, but I learned to observe the world around me. I understand more and more by reading and by watching the people around me. But I always find myself not engaged, as I was not old enough, but not too young, I was not good enough to be the best pupil, but not bad enough to play with the "bad pupil"... This feeling follows me all my life along.

In the university I chose to go abroad, I changed the major, but I stayed in the same room with the girls still studying in my former major. I never felt belonging to somewhere, I always feel alone. Not even to mention the life abroad here. It's even easier to understand the difficulty of selfidentification for being foreigner here in Paris.

I no longer belong to China, (or I never belong to China), but I don't bleong to Paris either.

When I met you, I thought that finally I didn't need to float in the sea of loneliness, as staying by your side, I feel like belonging to somewhere. However, it was just an illusion. The moment thinking that all was an illusion made me feel abandoned. Maybe that was because I was abandoning myself too in the same time. Before you, I had the hope that I could find someone similar with me, who can understand me, we can understand each other, and it's a relax to be with each other, it's a comfort to know that there's someone there like me myself in the world. But... After the farewell, I decided to give up the thought totally, to abandon the hope I gave myself.

For you, it's all exaggeration, which hurts me too. Because that means not only that you don't understand me, but also you never want to.

Missing you MM. I want to cry on your shoulders. What a pity that the real you don't know me really.

Love,

Miao

I'd rather be killed by you

Dear MM,

I've been listening to a podcast. Today, one of the channel talked about a song named "Kill me Please", describing a person finally sees the one appear, "We've only met each other once, this heart is smashed up, and the whole world collapsed." What an impressed love. Maybe we could say that it's romantic. Even though I never believe that this first sight in love will ever happen on me, I think it must exist, as so many works have mentioned about it.

"If I'm not killed by you, it's meaningless to live on. If I die in this life in this world, I'd rather be killed by you." I'm thinking about you. When we were acrossing the road, that was a red light, I asked you if you would like to kill me. You murmured beside my ear, wasn't it what you want?

I intended to write a diary for the baby in my body. When I felt upset about you today, I felt guilty with the baby. Why am I so easy influenced by you, even though you've done nothing. I blame myself for not taking them more important than you. You always have the priority in my heart. How could I?

Moumoun, I hope I can change, but I don't want that I change. Unfortunately I have to change. How sad, how undignified.

Moumoun, I couldn't die now, I have the responsibility. I thought I was dying, but I was still there when I react.

Moumoun, I miss you.  I can still see you sometimes, thank you.

Love,

Miao