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Abandon

Dear MM,

"Abandon" is the first word to memorize for GRE preparation for most students in China.

I learn the meaning of the word more by the life. I was sent to school earlier than other children, I was always the youngest in the class until coming here. I don't have an impressed childhood, it's always black and white for me, no color. I prefered staying at home reading, listening to the music, or sneaking to watch TV when the parents weren't there.

I was not the smartest child, but I learned to observe the world around me. I understand more and more by reading and by watching the people around me. But I always find myself not engaged, as I was not old enough, but not too young, I was not good enough to be the best pupil, but not bad enough to play with the "bad pupil"... This feeling follows me all my life along.

In the university I chose to go abroad, I changed the major, but I stayed in the same room with the girls still studying in my former major. I never felt belonging to somewhere, I always feel alone. Not even to mention the life abroad here. It's even easier to understand the difficulty of selfidentification for being foreigner here in Paris.

I no longer belong to China, (or I never belong to China), but I don't bleong to Paris either.

When I met you, I thought that finally I didn't need to float in the sea of loneliness, as staying by your side, I feel like belonging to somewhere. However, it was just an illusion. The moment thinking that all was an illusion made me feel abandoned. Maybe that was because I was abandoning myself too in the same time. Before you, I had the hope that I could find someone similar with me, who can understand me, we can understand each other, and it's a relax to be with each other, it's a comfort to know that there's someone there like me myself in the world. But... After the farewell, I decided to give up the thought totally, to abandon the hope I gave myself.

For you, it's all exaggeration, which hurts me too. Because that means not only that you don't understand me, but also you never want to.

Missing you MM. I want to cry on your shoulders. What a pity that the real you don't know me really.

Love,
Miao

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