Sadness/Happiness

Dear MM,

You told me about the story of your rings, she seems like a little girl that one couldn't have a heart to hurt her. She asked you carefully of going to choose the rings together, though you haven't known yet when you're going to get married.

I'm paradoxical, sometimes I feel that only you understand me, or only me understand you, but I sometimes I can feel the gap that we can't get through, when you asked me why I felt so sad, when you asked me why I was mad at you... Sometimes I think that maybe in the world we have the closest distance with each other, shorter than others , but I realize that we have so many other people in our life, when you told me that you count on her to remove your shadow in your heart...

I become more silent in front of you, as I finally learned that, the language cannot express all from the heart. Before the farewell, I tried always to explain to you what I have in my heart, but you still couldn't understand. As it doesn't matter anymore, I have to feel the loneliness and the helplessness all by myself.

Fangfang asked me the similar question, she asked me why I didn't feel like living in this world. I don't know, I can't give the answer. I feel the sadness and helplessness are swallowing me up.

Thank you for the encouragement and for the accompany, and for the pictures of your cute cat. I didn't know that your fiancee is writing a blog of her life too. And in English too. People around you so love you. You're so blessed. Everyone wants to write you down in their life. Hope you'll have more sunshine. I think our difference is that you couldn't see the sunshine, but for me, is that I could see the sunshine, but I know I still have the darkness where the sunshine hasn't yet reached. I feel a bit desperate in thinking maybe in the whole life, I couldn't make the sunshine reach that area. Maybe I'm supposed to live with the helplessness all the life long.

Missing you.

Love,

Miao

The Life

Hi Moumoun,

It's been so happy hanging around you recently. Though I haven't shared with you my sadness since so long time ago.

I think you may understand why I don't want a baby. Because I'm not good enough to be a good mother. And I don't want to destroy one's life. Ironically, I hope that I could have enough importance for some people in my life, for example, you. But I'm afraid of being so important to someone else that I'll destroy all.

I didn't want to stay fix in one place, God gave me a family.
I don't want to live, God may have put a life in my body.

He just wants me to face the responsibilities He gives me. I always want to run away, but I always stay, pretending that I'm obediant enough.

Moumoun, I don't know why you could guess that I'm pregnant. But do you know that I really want to hide myself and cry aloud on one's shoulder?

I dreamed a giant sea, deep blue last night.

Missing you.

Love,

Miao

Missing You

Dear MM,

Recently it's so coincident that you often asked me about the things I talked in the blog precedently. It seems like that you're reading my blog. Hahaha. It must be funny that when you really saw the blog one day (or never).

Last Friday you asked me whether Y wanted to have the children. My answer is probably. And finally I found myself is likely pregnant yesterday :( I wanted to talk with you face to face. But you don't come today. We must be destined to miss each other many times this life.

I really don't like the responsibility. I thought that with someone like you, you can understand me more easily, because you have the similar strugglings as me. But life is always the opposite, the more difficult way. You said that you'll miss me after I leave this mission. I don't know if it is because that you know we may not see each other again much. Or it is just because you felt that you would miss me with my absence, but when the day really comes, you'll forget what you said the other day. What's more, I've been absent for long time, haven't you ever realize that?

Dear Moumoun, I don't think that I could be a good mother. I don't know how to really love someone. If there's really a life in my body, I scare that what I think, what I act, what I eat would hurt him/her, or influence him/her in a bad way. A mother feeling insecure, how could she give the sense of security to her child. I don't want him/her to face the sadness, the breakness, the darkness of this ugly world...

I miss you, hope you'll get better and come tomorrow. Seeing you can always cheer me up in some way.

Love,

Miao

Disappointment & Suicide

Dear MM,

When the colleague called you Moumoun in front of me, I felt sad, as I know that Moumoun has gone away with the dying of another me.

Life is sad, you know it as well as me, maybe better than me. But still, when you talked about not afraid of death, I still feel sad, for you and for me, for both of us. Maybe we both are too disapponited with the world. But we couldn't choose suicide. As the life is supposed to be given and taken by God. It may be not a coincidence that after getting up this morning I saw an article about suicide. It says that the suicide is often caused by the depression, which is very commun in our daily life.
At the beginning, it quoted the passage of the poem of Edward Thomas :

Hope now,--not health nor cheerfulness,
Since they can come and go again,
As often one brief hour witnesses,--

Just hope has gone forever.

Those who live hard in the world  are those who have no hope. We Christians have hope in Jesus. That's why we're still living but sadly. But I can feel the light from God as I'm in the darkness. I still feel thankful, as I know my living here may be useful for some reason, as God is helping me. So are you. Moumoun, even though you feel dying is nothing scaring, but your existence here right now in this place means something, you may not know or realize, but the reason exists. I think you may know better than me, that's why you are still there, doing what you think are right.

Sorry for leaving you immediatement when the girl wanted to show the intimacy with you. I just felt it unnecessary to stay and to watch the drama. I know you understand me.

Hope you'll be better every day. I should rebegin praying for you and your family.

Miss you.

Love,

Miao

The Island

Dear MM,

You were saying that you might go to an island during the vocation soon in February. I still remember the message you sent to me asking whether I would go with you if you went to a deserted island.

It was just half a year ago. But it seems somewhere far far away in the dreams.

You said I seemed joyful recently. I said no. It's just I no longer show you the real me again. Because you don't like her either. You prefer a me always cheering others up. There's no need being vulnerable in front of you as you don't like my vulnerability. I'm sorry. I really feel sorry. You said that you're proud of me that I can hide my feelings. But for me, I hate myself for not have the possibility to be a real me in front of you. I hate myself having considered you as the one I could trust totally, but in the end it turned out that you couldn't afford it.

I have to let it go, no other choice, no matter how I don't really want. There're many things that I don't do, not because I can't, but because I don't want to. When you said that you found me being normal again, I just smiled. Maybe for you, a normal me should be like this, then I'll let you be happy with this.

Going to the island with her is a good idea. All the story about you and me and the island has been buried with the dying me.

Oh, I'll start the immersing into the sad sea. I have to stop. Just not to think a lot is better, I hope I can live simplier too. Thank you for being there to listen to me.

Missing you.

Love,

Miao

Down after Up

Dear MM,

I began to miss you again, maybe it's because the life seems more difficult after the "ups" last week. I feel missing some part of myself too. It seems that I'm not there. Maybe it's because of the afraid of getting pregnant, or just because of becoming familiar with the different me living without being vulnerable in front of you. Fangfang said she likes me like this more. Me like this makes everyone's life easier. But I don't like her, as I know it's not true her. As everyone prefers the simplicity, I choose the way much more popular. Maybe you've noticed too, something changed, in you and in me, and in us. It's not sad, but just the difference makes the situation a little bit unfamiliar and, a bit cold.

Sarah recommended me the book "Disappointment with God", for me it's all about disappointment about myself, maybe the idea behind is the disappointment with God. I'll read the book one day.

Luckily, I have you here, I can talk to you about anything. Though you never reply, I must have known your answer. Thank you for being my friend.

Still missing you.

Love,

Miao

Feeling Close

Dear MM,

It was so sweet that I could accompany with you to change the Polo, I felt so trusted and close to you, even though maybe it was just my feelings mixed with my imagination.

I didn't remember how you called me when you came out from the fitting room, asking me my advice. That moment I had even an illusion, which I shouldn't have. As a result I even felt a little bit guilty deep in my heart. The feeling of being trusted was very good. You even asked me to choose the color for you.

After the farewell, I haved learned to be prudent, I always remind myself not to take into heart all the sweet feelings. Thank you, for giving me the special feelings.

Missing you!

Love,

Miao