Happy New Year

Dear MM,

It's finally the end of this year. If I tell you that you're one of the keywords this year of my life,  will you be surprised?

Last night we went to La Sirène to do the rehearsal of choir for the concert for the evangelistic thing. It gathers many people from different chinese church in paris to sing for the new year concert. It felt good singing together with the ochestra. I love the music played by the instrument. I hope one day that I could play piano good enough. Though this is just a little passion for me, it is good that one can hide into the music when he cannot communicate with the world. What about your guitar? Are you still practicing, are you going to play the song Roulette?

Thank you for the lunch, though it may because of the departure of your friend, thank you all the same, as you said, if you don't like someone there's no need paying him for lunch. Thank you for all what you have done in 2014.

The passing year is a difficult but richful year. I tried to comfort you when you were through the most terrible thing in your life. We ate often together in the sun sitting on the grass of the small garden nearby. I struggled several times whether I had fallen in love with you. I fighted with myself before getting married, asking myself whether I destroyed all just because I doubted whether I was in love with you. I went to the beach without you. With the help of God, and of Carrie, and of Fangfang, I lived with pain but still lived. I used to consider you as my best friend. Carrie told me, "You should get married with your best friend. Your husband is supposed to be your best friend!" I finally made the decision, and figured out that my love for you is different from the love between a man and a woman mainly with the physical attraction. Maybe it's true, maybe not. But at least I accept this explanation for myself. I got married, I thought I was the only bride who was not so exceited about the fact of getting married. You came with her, you looked nice with your costume. When thinking back, the first images jump into my mind is the sunshine of summer and the green grass, with the cold wind and water along the seaside...

We had talked a lot during the first half year. Then all went better and better for you. You might have less need of someone listening to you. I felt being abandoned and ignored again and again. You got angry against me each time as I didn't know how to hide my sad emotions. I cried, I felt sad, no meaning of living. I deleted all our sms (but I backuped on my computer, but never ever had I reread them again). I thought it should be the end, I should not insist like this. Unluckily each time was not the last time. I hope this time is.

It's the last day of 2014, I invited you to the McDonald. Ironically, last time was in the same place, I wear the same coat, we sat in the similar place, you said the farewell. And today, in the same place, it maybe my farewell for the 2014, for all the sadness, all the happiness, all the stuggle, all went to the end.

 It's more comfortable like this for me, I think for you too. Maybe you haven't noticed the difference. But I know that I could never go back. I have to say goodbye for the 2014, for the sad me, for the sick me, for the dead me.

Happy new year!

Love,

Miao

Love & Coke

Dear Moumoun,

Yesterday was fast, when I was back my computer was not turned on, so I didn't have the chance to write a letter to you.

Last night, a little girl was crying in front of me, she reminded myself crying for you. She was crying for her boyfriend left her alone without saying anything after church. I accompanied her to the railway station without saying anything. She asked me whether her boyfriend didn't love her anymore. I said of course not. She asked me then why he left without saying anything, he used not to do that before.

Girls always feel insecure with the important persons. She told me she was afraid of losing him, but she couldn't do anything, she kept crying. As I saw her crying, it seemed that I saw myself crying for you. I couldn't leave her alone to the station, because I knew the feeling of being abandoned, if I had not been with her, she must feel much more painful. While I was conforting her, it was like conforting myself. Loving someone always means that you have to stand the pain of being hurt. Good news is that she went back to look for her boyfriend, and they reconciled with each other later. Bad news is that I might have given up always feeling painful about losing you.

I feel more relaxed in stead of feeling being ignored when you talked with you friend just of something you know between just you two. He said something about your site, I asked you more than twice you didn't react at all. Then you said without anything changed in your face, like that was nothing, "I created a blog yesterday." Ok. If you knew that I'm writing in a blog in the form of writing letters to "you" in the same time, you might have felt more shocked. Haha, lets keep it just in the tummy, and digested with all the terrible things I couldn't speak out. I decided to write to the Moumoun in my mind instead of physical you.

Speaking of digestion, last night I was lying on the bed reading the articles written by an author I love. She was living in the Sahara desert. She talked about thanking some neighbors with sodas. That reminds me of the cool feeling of drinking coke after a hot summer day. Oh, I needed a coke. Then I drank all the rest coke in the fridge brought back from church after the dinner. Then all went wrong!!!! I felt so unwell in my tummy that I couldn't sleep at all. It was already nearly 1 o'clock... Then I said, I'll never drink Coca Cola any more!!!

Love,

Miao

Picachu

Dear Moumoun,

I drew a picachu today. I thought about you saying that I was like a picachu cat long long ago. Maybe you've already forgotten that.

I read an article today saying about looking for the spiritual partner. For you maybe I'm just a cute little sister, for me you are a spiritual partner. Maybe that's why I feel unequal with you about our relationship. While you feel misunderstood, I feel helpless too.

Fangfang said from the picture with the mask of Hello Kitty she could tell I was a pure person.

Hope so.

Love,

Miao

Ordinary Day

Hi Moumoun,

You're just like a ghost for my diary, because I record everyday life here by writing to you :)

I dreamed of you last night, I wanted to have lunch with you in the dream, while I was in a wierd place. Today you're at work, no news at all from you. Missing you.

Today I just stayed at home, practiced the piano and pulled out my Ukulele to play, thinking about maybe I could play some simples song to give to you as the new year's gift. But... I don't know. I still have the feeling of losing you. I feel insecure, or more realistic, because I seem to understand more and more that you will not stay in my life. As long as I couldn't see you, and stand not contacting you actively, I could stand the pain in the imagination. Once I see you, I want to stick to you, every second of everyday. I know you don't have the same feelings as mine.

About the story I told you yesterday. The man cheated the girl who loves him to have the time machine to save his beloved. The girl knew that the man didn't love him. She went to his heart to verify. She saw that in the man's heart, there's only one name, not hers. She left something in his heart without telling him. And she left him and left him the time machine. Many things happened, he lost the time machine agian. The man got married with another woman and finally got the time machine, when he finally got to save his beloved, he was tortured by the fact that the thing the girl left in his heart. Finally he realised, he fell in love with this girl long long ago.

Do you know what she left in his heart? One drop of her tears for him.

Have a good weekend. See you tomorrow!

Love,

Miao

Merry Christmas

Dear Moumoun,

I'm thinking of you. Once I can't get news from you, I start to miss you. I dreamed of you last night. I don't know how will I survive when I will not see you any more.

It's difficult to explain the things about the emotion or the heart. But everytime I had the patience to explain to you what happened in my mind, in my heart. You always say that you understand my feeling, but you don't understand why.

What you said about losing trust on me hurted me too. Maybe you'll never understand why I can be so easily hurt by what you said, what you joked. Me either. Fangfang asked me, "Is he really so important for you? That it worths being always hurt and sad instead of being yourself again?" I don't know. I can't answer this question either. Because you may be just an imagination, what I stick to and persevere for is because I still believe that there's something that worths fighting for. But I don't know what it is. Maybe you could feel that I might cry when you said that you don't trust me as much as before. Each time after hurted, I still give you my heart, open it to you, being vulnerable to you, not because I don't think that you would hurt me, but because, I don't care even it hurts.

There's a very popular film in China, A Chinese Odyssey. It may appear difficult to understand, without the background of culture. But it's a story mainly about love and the reality. The man wants to go back through time to save his bloved one, so he patiently uses the time machine again and again trying to save her when she suicided. He failed each time. Then he met another girl who loves him so deep, but in the man's heart, all he wants is to get his beloved back to life. So he cheated the girl who loves him just to get the time machine back, to save his beloved.

I'll come back to tell you the story later. Today is Christmas, we'll go to eat out and see a movie together with the friends.

You said that you would play and sleep today. Have a good day!

Love,

Miao    

Better Way Out

Hi Moumoun,

I thought about telling you many things during the day. But when I'm sitting down now before the screen, I don't know where to start.

Maybe as you said, you never changed, what changed is just the distance of my imagination and the real world. Good to know that you chose to step out with your GF. She loves you so much. I thought that she deserved better, maybe the marriage. You always want to escape from the subject of love, but when your heart push to act out, it's too late to realize it. Just try to open your heart more to enjoy the love to give and to receive. Don't be afraid, love hurts, but all worths. I felt a little sad as that I got the news not directly from you. It seems that you're still mad at me, and never want to share with any more about your life. You were texting me all day long, but you didn't want to tell me this big event!

Fangfang told me I should keep a distance with you in my heart, I shouldn't give you the whole heart as I did. She said that I could be polite but have a distance with you. She couldn't stand that I tortured myself so frequently and I'm often hurt like this. I told her I couldn't because I promised you. It is sad, if this promise means nothing or little to you. But I'm just stupid, and like being different (just silly) with others. I joked to her that let you regret one day not having well cherished me. She seriously replied, he would. In fact, if I could choose, and if this day will really come, I wish that this would never happen.

She's right, we're just not equal in our friendship.

I don't know how long will I persist in keeping writing to you. I want to talk to you each day like this. Telling you about all what happens each day in my life. It doesn't matter, whether you're really Moumoun or not.

This night is Christmas Eve, though you don't celebrate, hope you have a good night.

Love,

Miao

Brighter

Dear Mounmoun,

You can't imagine how disappointed I was when I learned that you would not come today. You have been punishing me since you were angry with me. But it takes too long and it hurts so deep!!!

Thank God that you sent me the SMS, haha, I forgive you.

I couldn't concentrate on the work, I was feeling alone. All the stories I wanted to tell you I had to swallow them into my tummy. Could you feel that I was missing you? When you sent me the trailer of "The Minions", saying that it reminds you of me, haha, maybe you were missing me too!! I can live better when I imagine the things, that's why you decided not to tell me anymore your secrets in your heart? Because that may hurt me? I hope that one day I could know the answer.

Tomorrow will be the eve of Christmas. What are you going to do? Finally I might see you tomorrow, hope I'll still live. Pray for that!

Love,

Miao

A really good day

Dear Moumoun,

I don't know how to face with you, considering you as my best friend or just a friend what you want me to be. I'm so glad that you sent the sms to me firstly, but then I am afraid of replying you not in your way. I screwed up, when you said sorry I knew it.

In fact I want to tell you about my day today, I missed you, I was so happy seeing you sms coming when we were watching the film together.

Today I went to Carrie's apartment, as I told you yesterday. I was not motivated this morning to get up to go out at all, But as I arrived at her apartment, all we did made me happy. I laughed my head off when we were painting the ornaments for the Christmas tree. We went to the Franprix to buy the materials to cook the Toca Soup. I think it's a kind of Mexican food. We used the tomatoes, beef, onions, kidney beans and another kind of beans to make it. Grace was like a Mummy, she was so good at cooking, and she knew how to make popcorns!! It was so delicious the lunch together.

Carrie then made us paint the ornaments together, we've painted all kinds of things, two ginger breadmen, a star, an angel, two snowmen, and a bell. When I painted the snowman, I thought about giving you as a gift. But then I denied my thinking, I was afraid that you might want to throw it into the garbage when you hate me. Grace made a face of ginger breadwoman having the birds' eyes, and I made a ghost angel who hated her haircut. Hahahahahaha, it was so fun!!



We did the 7 minutes' workout together then as Grace insisted, they were like so pro that they did it just like a piece of cake, I enjoyed running with them through the rooms as we could not jump in the living room. It was like crazy, but so funny!

Later we made the popcorn together (mostly Grace), and we watched the movie "the Elf" together, it was a story of an elf who is technically a human looking for his father in the New York city. It is a comedy but touching. "Smiling is my favorite thing!" When he said "I don't belong here", I thought of myself too. I'm like an elf too wandering around the world.

Missing you.

Guess which ones are my work!

Love,

Miao

Dilemma

Dear Moumoun,

How's your weekend? Have you forgotten all that has happened last week?

I still can't stay calm when thinking of the fact that you said "Don't count on me ever again that I would tell you what I think, or else we'll be no longer friends." It is good that God keeps me busy on His day, as I had no time to spare to immerse into the sadness, like the darkness in the deep sea.

I thought about you, I thought about what you had said, it was just like yesterday that you were saying that you would take me to the seaside if I felt sad. I went to the seaside, really, but without you. You are always the one who seems more calm, you can take anything easy. You seem to take me easy too, you felt unfair when I said this. It's OK if you don't take me very seriously, because I know each one has his/her preference, the one I like may not like back, it's nothing more than normal like this, what makes me sad is that you don't admit it. Maybe you're really feeling bad that I misunderstand you as you take me really serious. But now you just refuse to convey it. Come on, what am I supposed to do. Most of the time I have to guess, so I couldn't get you exactly, I have the doubt, it's acceptable no? As you're always the one who doesn't express, and who doesn't show your real need at work. Sometimes I feel that I'm just a special colleague for you.

I ask tomorrow off, I'll go to Carrie's apartment to see a film with Grace and her. I feel a bit sad about Grace's leaving to Belgium. Departure is always like this. As I have no courage to talk to you any more, I'll share with you here. It's better that I don't have to go to work, worrying about what reactions you'll have. Don't have to wait carefully where you'll eat, when you'll leave. You might act normally to me, and I have to pretend nothing happened, I have to become another you. I feel so bad, that you put me back among the colleague league. Thinking about this, I don't want to go back to work any more. At least I could live longer in my imagination.

Missing you, missing the days back back long ago.

I want to leave.

Love,

Miao

Farewell

Hi, or goodbye, Moumoun,

As no one will ever come back here, I'll just use it to express my feelings that I couldn't say to you directly, maybe one day you'll see it, maybe you'll just take it for granted as now what you're acting to be even when you read all these letters.

It seems that I'm losing you as a friend, but you don't want to explain why. Even the prisoner sentenced to death could have a reason before going to die. I don't understand why. I feel so sad, you knew it. You're just so cruel to ignore all my efforts to maintain our friendship longer. At some moment I even want to leave the world, as there's no meaning always being hurt like this again and again in this world.

I'm feeling helpless as you said if I keep asking, the result will even be worse. What else could I do? I was thinking about all kinds of ways that could cheer you up, but denied one by one. Because you might not want be distubed by me any more. All that I could do is waiting, as always, but this time without any little chance to come to you by taking the first step. It's you who decide, decide to talk or not, it's you who decide, decide whether to continue to be friends.

The one who are more serious loses first. I want to keep my promise for you, I'll not abandon our friendship. I have to wait for the sentence, even I'll have to wait for the whole life, all I'll get is the silence.

It is just one year that we've known each other, but it seems that I've shed all the tears for you for the whole life. Sometimes I hope the departure could come early so that I could still stand the pain; sometimes I hope the departure could never come so that I could always see you and forget all the sadness I have to face in the world. They always tell me that I think I'm important for you, which is just in my imagination. Fangfang said, "I already told you to leave him earlier, but you went to his direction directly, never seeing back. Now as you suffered so much, all I could do is to comfort you by saying that you should think more positively, everything will go better."

I told myself, that you might be just in the emotion of being angry, so you don't want to talk to me. But I know that it is more possible that you can't stand me, you don't want to keep close to me anymore. I'm trying to convince me that you leave for my best, because you don't want to influence my life as this. It is so sad that I have to make every excuse to make myself believe that you're still the one in my mind.

I don't wanna say goodbye. I hate the feeling of being helpless. Why I can't ignore you as you ignore me ? The answer is so obvious, why I can't accept it...

I'm just nothing for you, why when I said it, you insisted that I was wrong and acted angry, you gave me the hope, even just so little, I could use it to make the most beautiful dream for me.

But I can't change my love for you, because I still tend to consider you as my best friend in my life, hum, I have to joke myself, as it doesn't matter any more, as this friendship is just for me myself.

You're saying farewell, aren't you? Why don't you say it, why do you want to torture me like this? I hate myself for I couldn't make myself to take you for granted! Hope I'll be better tomorrow. My God comfoted me when I struggled whether I should go to your home to give you a gift and a hug, I felt that you would hate me more and throw my gift away. I didn't have the courage to face my dignity destroyed completely by you. I'll still buy you one gift, I hope I'll manage to give it to you.

Miao