As no one will ever come back here, I'll just use it to express my feelings that I couldn't say to you directly, maybe one day you'll see it, maybe you'll just take it for granted as now what you're acting to be even when you read all these letters.
It seems that I'm losing you as a friend, but you don't want to explain why. Even the prisoner sentenced to death could have a reason before going to die. I don't understand why. I feel so sad, you knew it. You're just so cruel to ignore all my efforts to maintain our friendship longer. At some moment I even want to leave the world, as there's no meaning always being hurt like this again and again in this world.
I'm feeling helpless as you said if I keep asking, the result will even be worse. What else could I do? I was thinking about all kinds of ways that could cheer you up, but denied one by one. Because you might not want be distubed by me any more. All that I could do is waiting, as always, but this time without any little chance to come to you by taking the first step. It's you who decide, decide to talk or not, it's you who decide, decide whether to continue to be friends.
The one who are more serious loses first. I want to keep my promise for you, I'll not abandon our friendship. I have to wait for the sentence, even I'll have to wait for the whole life, all I'll get is the silence.
It is just one year that we've known each other, but it seems that I've shed all the tears for you for the whole life. Sometimes I hope the departure could come early so that I could still stand the pain; sometimes I hope the departure could never come so that I could always see you and forget all the sadness I have to face in the world. They always tell me that I think I'm important for you, which is just in my imagination. Fangfang said, "I already told you to leave him earlier, but you went to his direction directly, never seeing back. Now as you suffered so much, all I could do is to comfort you by saying that you should think more positively, everything will go better."
I told myself, that you might be just in the emotion of being angry, so you don't want to talk to me. But I know that it is more possible that you can't stand me, you don't want to keep close to me anymore. I'm trying to convince me that you leave for my best, because you don't want to influence my life as this. It is so sad that I have to make every excuse to make myself believe that you're still the one in my mind.
I don't wanna say goodbye. I hate the feeling of being helpless. Why I can't ignore you as you ignore me ? The answer is so obvious, why I can't accept it...
I'm just nothing for you, why when I said it, you insisted that I was wrong and acted angry, you gave me the hope, even just so little, I could use it to make the most beautiful dream for me.
But I can't change my love for you, because I still tend to consider you as my best friend in my life, hum, I have to joke myself, as it doesn't matter any more, as this friendship is just for me myself.
You're saying farewell, aren't you? Why don't you say it, why do you want to torture me like this? I hate myself for I couldn't make myself to take you for granted! Hope I'll be better tomorrow. My God comfoted me when I struggled whether I should go to your home to give you a gift and a hug, I felt that you would hate me more and throw my gift away. I didn't have the courage to face my dignity destroyed completely by you. I'll still buy you one gift, I hope I'll manage to give it to you.
Miao
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