Dream

Moumoun,

Maybe you'll never know how much I miss you.

I was dreaming of you this morning (or last night). In the dream I was crying, saying goodybye in the telephone to you. I told you that I couldn't keep waiting for you while you never told me where and how long you would go away. It was so sad the dream.

It was just 3 days since we said goodbye on the last day of the mission, but it seemed to be a long century. You said that you were sure that we would keep in touch for longtime in the thank you card the colleagues gave me. I don't even have the courage to see it the second time, as I know it must not be true. I have disappeared gradually from your life. It was a long goodbye. But I made really a great effort to do that.

From tomorrow on, I'll have a new life. I hope I can go as far as I can.

Love,

Miao

Don't wanna cry for you any more

Dear Moumoun,

What should I say to you?

You kept me working all by myself on the difficult project. And then you finally gave me up and asked your friend to sit beside me to "help" me. I felt so offended and I even cried. Then you asked me to talk with you.

Your attitude was not so pleasant. You asked me what reason do I have to keep far away from all the others, what reason I have to be sad like this. You said you hated me more and more because I was acting like this. All I did was to make myself less and less important to you. All you asked I couldn't say anything to be against, because I knew that all what you said you just wanted me to be agree that I was wrong, I shouldn't consider myself not important, and the subject of being in love with you had been already discussed, should be closed, there was no equality of love between two people, what I asked for was dominion not friendship, we never could be equal, friends at work didn't need to say goodbye as we see each other everyday, etc etc. In the end you asked me to do the efforts not being isolated with others for you, to please you.

I didn't say much, as I knew, what I said wouldn't count, you wouldn't take it.  What's the meaning to be together with you once I decided no longer to be next to you to protect myself? I went to coffee, I went to have lunch with you because I always wanted to be with you. Once the reason didn't exist anymore, what's the meaning of doing these things? I don't feel good, I feel sad and just want to get away from the people, why you forced me to pretend nothing mattered? You just wanted to be comfortable for yourself, didn't you? 

I made efforts the next day, but what had changed? You still talked with your friend leaving me alone with the girl I don't like. You teased with the girl, you said almost nothing to me. And then the next day I made again the efforts to have coffee with you guys, you said you've had an interview with a Chinese girl, more pretty than me but less stupid, when you were saying the word "stupid", you liked directly into my eyes. I felt offended again, because I knew you were talking about us. I sent you a long texto the day you talked to me. But you never replied, and you said that I was stupid in front of everyone. I'm sorry, I had made the most efforts for you, but you didn't cherish it. I cried a lot yesterday. Because of your talking I havent been sleeping well since the day you "talked".

You made me really angry and sad. As a friend of you, when you were sad, I followed you everywhere, I accompanied you, I waited by your side, waited for the moment you needed me. But when I'm sad, you leave me alone for long time. The real talk we had was just to tell me that I have no reason to be sad, I should be together with you and the guys with whom you've replaced me all through this year. I'm sorry I couldn't, seeing you being together just reminds me that you've been ready to get rid of me while you wanted me to accept it happily. Sorry, I couldnt. And I'm sad I don't want and couldn't pretend that Im not. I'm sorry that I have no ability to say stop to stop loving you or stop considering you as important. If I had, life must had been much easier for me.

I told myself not to cry for you again. Hope for this I can improve my ability.

Love,

Yao

It's been a year

Dear Moumoun,

It's been a year. I still remember the night I cried for you. I stayed up all night log struggling about getting married. Last year at bout this time, I recommended you the song Say Something. It's been a year, but this song still can have me respnated.

All through this year I've learned a lot, about love, about myself and about God. Not being able to control my feelings once made me feel very guilty. Then I finally realize that's why I need the help from God. If love was really the feeling I decided to accept that and decided to love you like God loves me. God loves me silently, always opening His arms to me. While my love for you was selfish and easy to get me jealous. And now I couldn't even keep the friendship with you. Just because I couldn't love you as I thought I could.

Once I found that I was not so important to you, I felt offended and depressed, even desperate. I couldn't help myself thinking over and over again about what you had said and that you failed to do. You appeared so impatient to me and you had no time to understand me. Even as a friend I could not understand how you can ignore an "important" person like this. Not to say that I love you so much, it's much easier to feel hurt.

In order to protect myself, I chose to stay far away. I don't know whether you understand or not, as you always appeared and confirmed that you understand while doing the things proving that you hadn't understand. I don't know what this situation will lead. But as for now, it is the best choice.

I count each day to leave so that I'll never see you again. As you employee and the only person who works for the project, I have to ask for your help, while you always have no time for me, the same way you treat me as a friend. You said that I'm always susceptible and as a pregnant woman my mood is so changeable. What else could I say? You never tried to put on my shoes, even once.

It is a shame that I always write the same grumbles here which has no sense at all. It just can't change anything.

Now let me say something sweet. I've dreamed of you twice recently. You protected me from two bad dogs, and hold me as I was crying.

Love,

Miao

One day less

Dear Moumoun,

Do you know how suffering it is that I count every day before the end of my mission? I have to see you each day, but keep myself far away from you, and not too far as I have to work with you. You brought the strawberries today. I don't want myself thinking that you brought it for me. I don't wanna think that I'm as important for you, and get disappointed again.

Fang fang asked me once whether I'm happier leaving you or staying with you. I said to her that staying with you I'm sometimes very happy but often get really really sad, and leaving you makes my life not happy, but not so sad either. It's better staying away.

You thought that the coming back of A will make me happier? I hated how you said that. But his return doesn't change anything. You never know your importance to me. But it doesn't matter, as long as I will say goodbye to you. Hopefully never see you again.

It's really magic the time. Not long ago I couldn't imagine the life without you, and now I'm thinking of saying farewell as soon as possible. You've changed me so much. I'm afraid that I am not able any more to give one my heart as I did for you. It really hurt a lot.

You mentioned seeing me again in October to prepare for my interview. I asked you why I had to do it with you. You never thought about the possibility of losing me so you could treat me not caring for me as much? I'm really sorry that you were too important to me that I can feel that there's little care for me from you.

Bye bye Moumoun, hope the end comes earlier.

Miao

The sooner, the better

Dear Moumoun,

Though it is so difficult for me to keep the distance with you, it worth my efforts. Thinking of leaving soon I felt so excited and relaxed. Finally I don't have to be tortured by suppressing the feelings as long as I see you no more.

I think it'll must be good staying at home. I'm so happy that I will leave all these behind. I don't know whether one day you'll understand me, it doesn't matter any more. I think it will be too late for you to understand if you can really understand it.

You wanted to let me know that you never abandoned me, but all what you have done and said made me so desperate that whether you realize it doesn't make any difference. Because for me you've abandoned me since long long ago, since the misunderstanding about the pretty colleague. You like being surrounded by the women and by this very beautiful woman, then go ahead. You don't know how to cherish the really precious things for me. I think that we're just so different. You'll never feel my feelings and my hurt. Because you don't have a heart for me.

At the beginning I thought that you had a warm heart hidden, then I realized that you might not have a heart as you said yourself, and finally I knew that you just don't have a heart for me.

Recently the weather is so nice. Every day will pass very quickly.

Farewell, my Moumoun.

Miao

Peace

Dear Moumoun,

I felt a lot more peace today, even though I was so mad when I felt your impatience when I asked you the questions about work.

Last night's bible study was so great, the ladies in my group shared a lot about God. That was so encouraging. God has a plan, God is ahead of me, God is with me, even I lose you. God has prepared much more better than that. What would matter more than His being with me. 

When I'm writing this I saw the rainbow!!!! And there were two of them! It was the covenant you made with Noah. Thank you Lord!!!!! Moumoun, God is so kind to me. Although the story between us may end sadly. I feel so comforted and encouraged by His comfort.

Share with you the two rainbows.

Byebye, the sadness.

Love,
Miao

Missing you

Dear Moumoun,

I'm missing you. Still thinking about yesterday your kindness and gentleness to me. You took off my headphone gently and draw my hand to go with you, to go to have the coffee with you. Your look on me was so gentle, I couldn't refuse you, couldn't resist falling into the swirl.

I even imagined what I wanted to say to you for the last day of my mission. I couldn't accompany you for you future, I'am being egoist to be far from you, just because I can't get rid of my feeling of being hurt. I was a bit confused, I don't know what you were trying to do was because you don't want to lose me as friend or you don't want me to feel sad. But you'll never lose me, and beding sad is just my choice. Or maybe the moment when my feeling has changed means our friendship has finished. You tried everything to make me laugh, telling me what you liked as cartoon when you were younger. I love the feeling beside you. But I couldn't have the chance to always be next to you. You have another future ahead of you. I shouldn't be the one who hold you back. The ending must be and could only be leaving you silently.

Loving you from far and silently must be a better choice for both of us.

Miao