Dear Moumoun,
You appeared again, in my dream this morning, you were so considerate with me in the dream.
Maybe this is the last goodbye I say to you. Since last SMS, the reality become more and more clear to me. My life is so limit, I could spend it always to saying goodbye to you. Each of our lives has little space for other people, only the most important stay, you've been staying her for so long time. And I think this should be mutual, as I have no space in your life, there's no use to keep yours here anyway, as you'll never come back.
I finally let it go I think, after the last desperation. The final one, I hope.
Enjoy your life and the important ones in it. Though I really do love you, I have to move on. I don't know whether I'll love you till the end of my life, but every time when I think about you, I hope you're smiling at the other end of the world.
Love you, deep inside.
I'll leave my love buried very deep as my love for you.
Try my best,
Love,
Miao
Understanding
Dear Moumoun,
You told me that you understood all and you would not bother me any more.
I don't know what to say and what I should feel. What I expected was not that, I thought that you would help me to get over if you really understand. But your attitude is like that you couldn't help me, it's my own business, it's nothing with you have done. You're innocent, I'm the only guilty.
Anyway, I'll not regret, as I've tried to explain to you why, and asked whether you feel hurt or uncomfortable, you said no. Your no is no. Maybe you just don't care any more, or you never cared.
Miss the kind Moumoun.
Love,
Miao
Another Goodbye
Dear Moumoun,
Today you asked me to talk with you, asking me if I have some problems with you, and you felt that I'm cold with you. I said no, I had no problem with you. Then you asked me whether I have something to tell you, if I have problems, I can tell you. I said no, all I wanted to say had been said.
I felt so panicked, and I decided to send you the sms, asking you to consider me just as a normal colleague, as we had not known each other, which would be simple, you were the manager and I was the employee, it was all. You replied me no problem, as you'll leave soon, I can be relaxed. "Merci!".
I have been thinking about your message again and again since then, I feel so sad and so bad. I wish that you might no be hurt by what I said, and I know that you might not even care at all. You still don't understand me as last year, and I still haven't figured out how to face with you. Maybe you couldn't understand this emotion, maybe never, or maybe you understand, but you don't care, as for many things. Deep down, I think maybe you care, but I kept telling myself again and again that it must not be true, or else I would not have been hurt like this.
Sometimes I doubt that it was all my fault, but when I read back what I had written and the messages between you and me, the feeling of being hurt came back again.
Maybe Fanfan was right, you are the obstacle "dead or alive" of my life, I couldn't get rid of the feelings about you, nor can I forget about you.
I feel like crying. Hope I can forget you and my feelings for you one day. But meanwhile I don't want to forget you. Anyway, hope your appearance of not caring at all will help to get you out of my mind, out of my heart, and out of my dreams.
Missing you.
Love,
Miao
Today you asked me to talk with you, asking me if I have some problems with you, and you felt that I'm cold with you. I said no, I had no problem with you. Then you asked me whether I have something to tell you, if I have problems, I can tell you. I said no, all I wanted to say had been said.
I felt so panicked, and I decided to send you the sms, asking you to consider me just as a normal colleague, as we had not known each other, which would be simple, you were the manager and I was the employee, it was all. You replied me no problem, as you'll leave soon, I can be relaxed. "Merci!".
I have been thinking about your message again and again since then, I feel so sad and so bad. I wish that you might no be hurt by what I said, and I know that you might not even care at all. You still don't understand me as last year, and I still haven't figured out how to face with you. Maybe you couldn't understand this emotion, maybe never, or maybe you understand, but you don't care, as for many things. Deep down, I think maybe you care, but I kept telling myself again and again that it must not be true, or else I would not have been hurt like this.
Sometimes I doubt that it was all my fault, but when I read back what I had written and the messages between you and me, the feeling of being hurt came back again.
Maybe Fanfan was right, you are the obstacle "dead or alive" of my life, I couldn't get rid of the feelings about you, nor can I forget about you.
I feel like crying. Hope I can forget you and my feelings for you one day. But meanwhile I don't want to forget you. Anyway, hope your appearance of not caring at all will help to get you out of my mind, out of my heart, and out of my dreams.
Missing you.
Love,
Miao
The separation
Dear Moumoun,
How are you doing?
This morning I thought about your farewell party in two months, I was thinking about asking the days off, so that I would have excuse not being part of the party. By thinking about all this, I felt so sad, because this reminds me of the longtime that I spend saying goodbye to you.
Since the first article of this blog, I kept waving goodbye to you. I don't know the meaning of seeing you again, I don't want to face with you, because I have no other means except protecting myself by staying away with you. But I could always see you, in the dreams, and during the days. What's more, sometimes I have to sit beside you, working with you, though it lasted not long time, seeing your eyes make me sad. You put all the gifts I gave you on the desk, each time when I saw them, I felt someone punched my heart.
What I have done for our relationship! I couldn't make it better, nor it will get worse.
The worst is not that I see you everyday, but the fact that I'm still loving you.
P.S. Even Fanfan had you appeared in her dream, poor girl.
Love,
Miao
How are you doing?
This morning I thought about your farewell party in two months, I was thinking about asking the days off, so that I would have excuse not being part of the party. By thinking about all this, I felt so sad, because this reminds me of the longtime that I spend saying goodbye to you.
Since the first article of this blog, I kept waving goodbye to you. I don't know the meaning of seeing you again, I don't want to face with you, because I have no other means except protecting myself by staying away with you. But I could always see you, in the dreams, and during the days. What's more, sometimes I have to sit beside you, working with you, though it lasted not long time, seeing your eyes make me sad. You put all the gifts I gave you on the desk, each time when I saw them, I felt someone punched my heart.
What I have done for our relationship! I couldn't make it better, nor it will get worse.
The worst is not that I see you everyday, but the fact that I'm still loving you.
P.S. Even Fanfan had you appeared in her dream, poor girl.
Love,
Miao
I wish you all the best though I miss you not the least
Dear Moumoun,
It's been almost three weeks that I've been back.
I feel awkward, each time when I have to face with you alone. My piano teach told me to get lyrics in Chinese to match "Knocking on Heaven's door", what shocked me is that all I thought about was you, and this song was written for you, for us, or rather for my story with you.
The teacher asked me to listen to Benjamin Clementine's Winston Churchill's Boy, at his album, I heard another song "The Movies never lie", there are two lines make me want to cry:
"So I wish you I wish you ... I wish you all the best,
Though I miss you I miss you...I miss you not the least"
I really miss you so much. I can feel that you might want to get closed to me, but I refuse, I prefer to stay far away from you. I don't know whether I am understandable, it's how my instinct acts, I just don't wanna ever ever get hurt again. It took already too much of me to get over, and I'm still getting over. I even couldn't tell if I would get it over finally.
But it's part of my life, part of choice.
It'll be a long weekend. We'll get Asher to see the sea, his mom's beloved sea.
I think you'll have some plans too. I've been away from your life for long time. I'll never know what happens in your life. Wish you all the best!
Love,
Miao
It's been almost three weeks that I've been back.
I feel awkward, each time when I have to face with you alone. My piano teach told me to get lyrics in Chinese to match "Knocking on Heaven's door", what shocked me is that all I thought about was you, and this song was written for you, for us, or rather for my story with you.
The teacher asked me to listen to Benjamin Clementine's Winston Churchill's Boy, at his album, I heard another song "The Movies never lie", there are two lines make me want to cry:
"So I wish you I wish you ... I wish you all the best,
Though I miss you I miss you...I miss you not the least"
I really miss you so much. I can feel that you might want to get closed to me, but I refuse, I prefer to stay far away from you. I don't know whether I am understandable, it's how my instinct acts, I just don't wanna ever ever get hurt again. It took already too much of me to get over, and I'm still getting over. I even couldn't tell if I would get it over finally.
But it's part of my life, part of choice.
It'll be a long weekend. We'll get Asher to see the sea, his mom's beloved sea.
I think you'll have some plans too. I've been away from your life for long time. I'll never know what happens in your life. Wish you all the best!
Love,
Miao
Back to the beginning
Dear Moumoun,
I never thought that I might come back, here or the company where I left. It seems like that after a year passed by, I have to be back again to the beginning.
I have to be faced with you, once again, in spite of all the efforts I had made to get away, from you.
I'll try, try my best to be professional
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Moumoun,
The passage above is what I wrote in the end of May, when I knew that I would be back to the mission. I've started work since this Monday. It's not as difficult as last year, but it not easy either. The separation from Asher makes me sad. I saw you again, you were there, just like that I never left, But I can't help staying far away deliberately. I insist protecting myself, by holding all the emotions, all the curiosity, wanting to know how your life is, are you enjoying your married life, are you happy to still be there in the project, are you still helping your Mom for the restaurant...
What happened in the end of the day made me ask myself again, am I tricking myself in this kind of thinking that all has gone, I don't know what magic power you have that can always make me surrender. I hate you having this power.
I miss you.
Very.
Love,
Miao
Sunset
Dear Moumoun,
How are you?
Miss you as always.
We've moved to a new appartment, with Asher it's a little bit difficult, but we made it finally. Our bed ordered on the internet still not arrive, we sleep in our living room.
Sometimes you came to my dream, saying little words. Even one time I dreamed that we got married and you hold me on your back wearing the wedding dress. You sent me the sms to say happy new year several days after the new year.
We had several big fight after my in laws' arrival. I thought about death not less than 3 three times. I thought about you while I was wandering outside, thinking that if we were still good, I might have called you to help me. But, we are not. This period is a little bit hard for me. Hope the twilight will come soon.
Hope all is good for you.
How are you?
Miss you as always.
We've moved to a new appartment, with Asher it's a little bit difficult, but we made it finally. Our bed ordered on the internet still not arrive, we sleep in our living room.
Sometimes you came to my dream, saying little words. Even one time I dreamed that we got married and you hold me on your back wearing the wedding dress. You sent me the sms to say happy new year several days after the new year.
We had several big fight after my in laws' arrival. I thought about death not less than 3 three times. I thought about you while I was wandering outside, thinking that if we were still good, I might have called you to help me. But, we are not. This period is a little bit hard for me. Hope the twilight will come soon.
Hope all is good for you.
Love,
Miao
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