The separation

Dear Moumoun,

How are you doing?

This morning I thought about your farewell party in two months, I was thinking about asking the days off, so that I would have excuse not being part of the party. By thinking about all this, I felt so sad, because this reminds me of the longtime that I spend saying goodbye to you.

Since the first article of this blog, I kept waving goodbye to you. I don't know the meaning of seeing you again, I don't want to face with you, because I have no other means except protecting myself by staying away with you. But I could always see you, in the dreams, and during the days. What's more, sometimes I have to sit beside you, working with you, though it lasted not long time, seeing your eyes make me sad. You put all the gifts I gave you on the desk, each time when I saw them, I felt someone punched my heart.

What I have done for our relationship! I couldn't make it better, nor it will get worse.

The worst is not that I see you everyday, but the fact that I'm still loving you.

P.S. Even Fanfan had you appeared in her dream, poor girl.

Love,
Miao

I wish you all the best though I miss you not the least

Dear Moumoun,

It's been almost three weeks that I've been back.

I feel awkward, each time when I have to face with you alone. My piano teach told me to get lyrics in Chinese to match "Knocking on Heaven's door", what shocked me is that all I thought about was you, and this song was written for you, for us, or rather for my story with you.

The teacher asked me to listen to Benjamin Clementine's Winston Churchill's Boy, at his album, I heard another song "The Movies never lie", there are two lines make me want to cry:
"So I wish you I wish you ... I wish you all the best,
Though I miss you I miss you...I miss you not the least"

I really miss you so much. I can feel that you might want to get closed to me, but I refuse, I prefer to stay far away from you. I don't know whether I am understandable, it's how my instinct acts, I just don't wanna ever ever get hurt again. It took already too much of me to get over, and I'm still getting over. I even couldn't tell if I would get it over finally.

But it's part of my life, part of choice.

It'll be a long weekend. We'll get Asher to see the sea, his mom's beloved sea.

I think you'll have some plans too. I've been away from your life for long time. I'll never know what happens in your life. Wish you all the best!

Love,
Miao

Back to the beginning

Dear Moumoun,

I never thought that I might come back, here or the company where I left. It seems like that after a year passed by, I have to be back again to the beginning.

I have to be faced with you, once again, in spite of all the efforts I had made to get away, from you.

I'll try, try my best to be professional


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Hi Moumoun,

The passage above is what I wrote in the end of May, when I knew that I would be back to the mission. I've started work since this Monday. It's not as difficult as last year, but it not easy either. The separation from Asher makes me sad. I saw you again, you were there, just like that I never left, But I can't help staying far away deliberately. I insist protecting myself, by holding all the emotions, all the curiosity, wanting to know how your life is, are you enjoying your married life, are you happy to still be there in the project, are you still helping your Mom for the restaurant...

What happened in the end of the day made me ask myself again, am I tricking myself in this kind of thinking that all has gone, I don't know what magic power you have that can always make me surrender. I hate you having this power.

I miss you.

Very.

Love,
Miao

Sunset

Dear Moumoun,

How are you?

Miss you as always.

We've moved to a new appartment, with Asher it's a little bit difficult, but we made it finally. Our bed ordered on the internet still not arrive, we sleep in our living room.

Sometimes you came to my dream, saying little words. Even one time I dreamed that we got married and you hold me on your back wearing the wedding dress. You sent me the sms to say happy new year several days after the new year.

We had several big fight after my in laws' arrival. I thought about death not less than 3 three times. I thought about you while I was wandering outside, thinking that if we were still good, I might have called you to help me. But, we are not. This period is a little bit hard for me. Hope the twilight will come soon.

Hope all is good for you.

Love,

Miao 

A la claire fontaine

Moumoun,

Asher is growing fast. We're moving to a new apartment. It's weird, that I thought if I kept busy, I would not think of you as much. But there was a night waked from a dream where you were there, I cried for missing you. I threw away the box of chocolate you offered me last year to count the rest day before Christmas. This year's Christmas is approaching again, but, where are we now, what are you doing at this moment?

I bought a book of songs for children, where there is full of ancient french songs for the little. This song broke my heart. It's like talking about you and talking about me. Wish you and.your family all the best! Merry Christmas.

J'ai perdu mon amie
Sans l'avoir mérité
Pour un bouquet de roses
Que je lui refusai
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime
Jamais je ne t'oublierai
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime
Jamais je ne t'oublierai 

Je voudrais que la rose
Fût encore au rosier
Et que ma douce amie
Fût encore à m'aimer
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime
Jamais je ne t'oublierai
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime
Jamais je ne t'oublierai
À la claire fontaine
M'en allant promener
J'ai trouvé l'eau si belle
Que je m'y suis baigné
J'ai trouvé l'eau si belle
Que je m'y suis baigné

Miao 

Whether, you still remember me

Dear Moumoun,

Can't stop dreaming about you, you smiled at me in a blue cardigan, in my dream.

It's soon Christmas again, this time last year, you offered me an advent calendar of Hello Kitty with one chocolat each day to Christmas. Then we had a big fight, and you engaged with your girlfriend then. It's like a long time ago all this happened. Still remember the first article in this blog was describing the day passing at Carrie's flat, watching the movie Elf with Grace and her.

One year has gone, nothing left between us except your flu image in my dreams. I miss you very much. This will be the first Christmas after marriage for you. No news at all from you. After the birth of Asher, Miao seemed disappeared from this world. Weiredly enough, that was always what I wanted, disappeared from this world. But my body and responsibilities are still here, I need to persevere, waiting for the end. Being forgotten sometimes is difficult to accept, but the time of adaptation is not forever and a day. I don't want to do the social things, while it is inevitable as for the little newborn.

How I miss you every deep night without sleep or sleep with dreams. I am afraid that you'll again enter my dreams and destroy my peace.

The weather is getting cold, take care.

Love,

Miao

Are you safe after November 13th?

Yes, you are.

It was a terrible night last night. Asher had his first vaccination and was crying desperately all night long. I was asleep between 10 o'clock and midnight. When I woke up, Yan told me that there was a terrorist attack very severe happening in Paris. Until this morning the reports said that there was around 200 dead and 150 blessed.

I was wondering whether you're ok, And I was wondering whether you would ask me if I was Ok.

Since last time's talk, we haven't talked to each other for about two months. This is the end I expected, but why I am not happy.

I have no reason to check your security, nor to tell you that I'm safe. Hope I'll forget you one day, maybe that's the easier way to get over you.

Take care, pray for you and your family.

Love,

Miao