Happy birthday

Dear Moumoun,

Happy birthday.

It's your birthday today, I want to give you my best wishes here. It's been about one month since last time you sent me the texto. I have been missing you a lot recently. Fanfan said that it was just because my life is tedious and tired with the kid, the fact that I missed you is just the end of the story, once I had a new life again, I'll forget you very easily.

But...

I'm not sure. It's like being forgotten by you, and by all the world.

With Asher growing up, I'm worried about the future, I don't know how I'll survive. Today I went to visit a osteopathe, it was shiny, he said it was happy to have this kind of sunshine, this is the life, it's the hope. I didn't know how to reply him. I don't want to say that the hope is useless. but I think that most of the time the life is desperating.

How's your new life after the marriage?

I've been thinking about the time we spent together, I feel like staying all alone and crying.

Love.

Miao

Murmur

Dear Moumoun,

It's been a long time. I've been dreaming about you recently again. Almost each time when I dream of you, you will contact me one or two days later. It was like that I know when you will text me.

You called me and sent me SMSs, but I reacted very indifferently. Because I don't know how to act naturally with you. I don't know whether you understand, but it is really hard for me. I hope in this life we will not see each other again.

I don't know why things go on like this. But I really don't want to get back and replay again. Maybe this is the best for us.

When I was expecting my little Asher, it was really hard while approaching the day of birth. Each day I was expecting his coming, thinking about every possible situation, and after passing about one week's life like this, he finally came sound and safe. I was having the biggest physical pain I had been through in this life. But the end turned out to be good, for both him and me. It was the day your wedding was supposed to be held. The 13th of September. The night before this day, you sent me message asking me whether I'm going well. I told you that I might have my baby born the next day. You said before going for you honeymoon you would still in Paris the following three days and asked me whether I need something or not. What I was saying in my heart was "I hope I will never see you again." But saying "No thank you" to you.

I'm sorry I have to be difficult and cold to you. But I really don't know how to do better. I've really tried my best.

The days following the birth of my boy are not better, everyday I have to breastfeed him and change the diapers. When I'm looking at the little fat thing sleeping and smiling, I feel very satisfied. But when he cannot be calmed down, and I couldnt understand him, I feel so helpless and I just don't know how to pass the time before he grows up.

Life is so hard.

Thank you for listening to me Moumoun.

Love,

Miao

Missing

Dear Moumoun,

It's been a long time. I hesitated several times to write to you, but finally was persuaded by myself not to write anything.

Since the end of the mission, I've been at home, busy welcoming the visitors from China and another girl who stayed at our flat for two weeks. I felt very tired, thinking that it was better keep being busy so that I would not have enough time to think about you. But you're not kind, either you send me the SMS each week or you appear in my dreams, again and again.

The day before yesterday I went to see the doctor as each month. He said that my cervix was slightly open and I should stay at home and rest well. And what's more, my baby's position is not yet turned, still having his head on the top. I've been scared and worried since then. I was so scared and I wanted to tell you and to get some comfort from you, but I know I can't.

I even don't know how to reply your SMS.

Pray to God that my baby will be healthy and will be born without difficulties.

Missing you.

Love,

Miao

Dream

Moumoun,

Maybe you'll never know how much I miss you.

I was dreaming of you this morning (or last night). In the dream I was crying, saying goodybye in the telephone to you. I told you that I couldn't keep waiting for you while you never told me where and how long you would go away. It was so sad the dream.

It was just 3 days since we said goodbye on the last day of the mission, but it seemed to be a long century. You said that you were sure that we would keep in touch for longtime in the thank you card the colleagues gave me. I don't even have the courage to see it the second time, as I know it must not be true. I have disappeared gradually from your life. It was a long goodbye. But I made really a great effort to do that.

From tomorrow on, I'll have a new life. I hope I can go as far as I can.

Love,

Miao

Don't wanna cry for you any more

Dear Moumoun,

What should I say to you?

You kept me working all by myself on the difficult project. And then you finally gave me up and asked your friend to sit beside me to "help" me. I felt so offended and I even cried. Then you asked me to talk with you.

Your attitude was not so pleasant. You asked me what reason do I have to keep far away from all the others, what reason I have to be sad like this. You said you hated me more and more because I was acting like this. All I did was to make myself less and less important to you. All you asked I couldn't say anything to be against, because I knew that all what you said you just wanted me to be agree that I was wrong, I shouldn't consider myself not important, and the subject of being in love with you had been already discussed, should be closed, there was no equality of love between two people, what I asked for was dominion not friendship, we never could be equal, friends at work didn't need to say goodbye as we see each other everyday, etc etc. In the end you asked me to do the efforts not being isolated with others for you, to please you.

I didn't say much, as I knew, what I said wouldn't count, you wouldn't take it.  What's the meaning to be together with you once I decided no longer to be next to you to protect myself? I went to coffee, I went to have lunch with you because I always wanted to be with you. Once the reason didn't exist anymore, what's the meaning of doing these things? I don't feel good, I feel sad and just want to get away from the people, why you forced me to pretend nothing mattered? You just wanted to be comfortable for yourself, didn't you? 

I made efforts the next day, but what had changed? You still talked with your friend leaving me alone with the girl I don't like. You teased with the girl, you said almost nothing to me. And then the next day I made again the efforts to have coffee with you guys, you said you've had an interview with a Chinese girl, more pretty than me but less stupid, when you were saying the word "stupid", you liked directly into my eyes. I felt offended again, because I knew you were talking about us. I sent you a long texto the day you talked to me. But you never replied, and you said that I was stupid in front of everyone. I'm sorry, I had made the most efforts for you, but you didn't cherish it. I cried a lot yesterday. Because of your talking I havent been sleeping well since the day you "talked".

You made me really angry and sad. As a friend of you, when you were sad, I followed you everywhere, I accompanied you, I waited by your side, waited for the moment you needed me. But when I'm sad, you leave me alone for long time. The real talk we had was just to tell me that I have no reason to be sad, I should be together with you and the guys with whom you've replaced me all through this year. I'm sorry I couldn't, seeing you being together just reminds me that you've been ready to get rid of me while you wanted me to accept it happily. Sorry, I couldnt. And I'm sad I don't want and couldn't pretend that Im not. I'm sorry that I have no ability to say stop to stop loving you or stop considering you as important. If I had, life must had been much easier for me.

I told myself not to cry for you again. Hope for this I can improve my ability.

Love,

Yao

It's been a year

Dear Moumoun,

It's been a year. I still remember the night I cried for you. I stayed up all night log struggling about getting married. Last year at bout this time, I recommended you the song Say Something. It's been a year, but this song still can have me respnated.

All through this year I've learned a lot, about love, about myself and about God. Not being able to control my feelings once made me feel very guilty. Then I finally realize that's why I need the help from God. If love was really the feeling I decided to accept that and decided to love you like God loves me. God loves me silently, always opening His arms to me. While my love for you was selfish and easy to get me jealous. And now I couldn't even keep the friendship with you. Just because I couldn't love you as I thought I could.

Once I found that I was not so important to you, I felt offended and depressed, even desperate. I couldn't help myself thinking over and over again about what you had said and that you failed to do. You appeared so impatient to me and you had no time to understand me. Even as a friend I could not understand how you can ignore an "important" person like this. Not to say that I love you so much, it's much easier to feel hurt.

In order to protect myself, I chose to stay far away. I don't know whether you understand or not, as you always appeared and confirmed that you understand while doing the things proving that you hadn't understand. I don't know what this situation will lead. But as for now, it is the best choice.

I count each day to leave so that I'll never see you again. As you employee and the only person who works for the project, I have to ask for your help, while you always have no time for me, the same way you treat me as a friend. You said that I'm always susceptible and as a pregnant woman my mood is so changeable. What else could I say? You never tried to put on my shoes, even once.

It is a shame that I always write the same grumbles here which has no sense at all. It just can't change anything.

Now let me say something sweet. I've dreamed of you twice recently. You protected me from two bad dogs, and hold me as I was crying.

Love,

Miao

One day less

Dear Moumoun,

Do you know how suffering it is that I count every day before the end of my mission? I have to see you each day, but keep myself far away from you, and not too far as I have to work with you. You brought the strawberries today. I don't want myself thinking that you brought it for me. I don't wanna think that I'm as important for you, and get disappointed again.

Fang fang asked me once whether I'm happier leaving you or staying with you. I said to her that staying with you I'm sometimes very happy but often get really really sad, and leaving you makes my life not happy, but not so sad either. It's better staying away.

You thought that the coming back of A will make me happier? I hated how you said that. But his return doesn't change anything. You never know your importance to me. But it doesn't matter, as long as I will say goodbye to you. Hopefully never see you again.

It's really magic the time. Not long ago I couldn't imagine the life without you, and now I'm thinking of saying farewell as soon as possible. You've changed me so much. I'm afraid that I am not able any more to give one my heart as I did for you. It really hurt a lot.

You mentioned seeing me again in October to prepare for my interview. I asked you why I had to do it with you. You never thought about the possibility of losing me so you could treat me not caring for me as much? I'm really sorry that you were too important to me that I can feel that there's little care for me from you.

Bye bye Moumoun, hope the end comes earlier.

Miao