A good fox

Dear Moumoun,

I've usually talked about the little prince with you, because I always think that I'm the fox. But I realize that I'm not a good fox. I'm so selfish. I don't know whether she would be happy to know that the little prince live happily afterwards with the rose. I think she should. 

I felt ashamed being not happier when I knew that you wrote a very long email to your fiancée, I should, because you opened your heart and make efforts to talk first about what you think... I felt sad because I wrote to you similar things to you, but you never replied, and, you never write to me something like that. But on what should my sadness be based? I feel so embarrassed that I have this kind of feeling. I should be a good fox, feeling happy for you, because you've learned how to love someone, even that person is not me.

Anyway, it is a sad story about the little prince. I don't know whether he understands the fox. Maybe he is like you, not understanding why I'm so easy to be sad about the departure, and keep being impatient with me never noticing that I felt ignored. You might think that I would always be there as I had promised you, but you might not know that sooner you'll need me no longer. You don't understand why I complain but never make effort. But you don't know, often for the people who have left, all the efforts to try to keep in touch are not as meaningful as they thought before the departure. It's just a decoration of the life which is already colorful, not a warm light in the night accompanying you going through the darkness. Maybe you'll never understand, but it'll be too late once you understand.

I can't imagine how the little fox stand the pain after the little prince left. How does she get over the habits of waiting him every afternoon? How long does it take not to be reminded of him by the sound of wind passing through the wheat field? Or never? How could she stand not to look at the beautiful night sky to look for the star where he lives?

I don't know how much she must be going through, I want to see the sunset with her, talking about the little prince we've met, and how I wish that he should be happy.

Love,

Miao

So much to say

Dear Moumoun,

I have so much to tell you, but each time I don't know how to say it. I felt happy that you two get back along well together. Maybe it was my misunderstanding, I always feel that you are leaving me away. But it's natural, as you have new life, and you'll have a new family soon. You might say again that I don't trust you. But ... Sometimes it's hard to face the change.

We no longer go home together, you get used to not reply my messages. You don't share so much in your heart with me any more. Maybe I'm not losing you, I'm just losing the patience I had for you.

But what can I ask for? I'm just not that important. And technically I don't need to be important to you either. As the theory of true love is never asking the reward. But sometimes I still feel blue, sometimes feeling ignored and lonely.

Luckily, this kind of feeling normally doesn't stay for long. Because I can write to you this way, even though you might never read them...

It really hurt seeing you being hurt so hard. You said you've forgiven her, but it'll take a bit long time to feel better, like when you were mad at me, even you forgave me, but it took long to get better. Maybe it's not fair to say that, but I felt more hurt than you, I didn't say anything like "never be friend again"... And you didn't try to understand me, while I made every effort to let you understand me, you never replied me... It was why this blog was born.

I couldn't tell whether I prefer the period before or after when you said that. But I prefer myself now than before. At least I'm more rational about my feelings for you and I accept it.

If it should be this way that works between you and me, I'll let it be.

In my head I've imagined millions of times that we'll not keep in touch after I leave this mission, every time I feel the same pain. But I insist cherishing every moment I can enjoy with you, as I don't know which one will be the last one.

I have so much to say, so much...

Love,

Miao

Little Prince with the rose

Dear Moumoun,

I'm so worried about you, but as haven't yet got any response from you, I think you must prefer being alone or you're busy dealing with you fiancee.

It was just yesterday that you said you found it was too quick. Today with an angry face, you said that you were really hurt and sad. I feel so sorry, but also helpless. It seems that I can do nothing for you.

The rose you love is with the thorn, it must have hurt you by opening the heart to hug her. It's gonna be okey, dear. Though I know nothing about the reason, and I don't need to know. But it really hurts seeing you like that.

I think the rose also loves you, as she shows you the way she is.

Hope everything going well between you.

Love,

Miao

Back

Dear Moumoun,

Finally you came back, with a tanned skin and bright smile. I was afraid you being back, as it seemed that I finally got used to a life without you, but your return will break all the balance.

I didn't expect myself enjoying the life without you, but it made me proud of myself, thinking that as long as I make efforts, I can get over the missing.

I don't know what the fact really is, but I enjoyed the way you looked at me. It Elias like bathing in the sunshine, or watching the fluctuation of the water when wind passing by with sunlight shining.

You got fiancé the weekend, congratulations, I feel happy for you, new life is ahead waiting for you, you took too much responsibility, while there'll be someone sharing with you that'll be much better.
You said it was too fast, maybe if it were not, you would never choose to get married.

All the best.

Love,

Miao

Something missing

Dear MM,

The week without you seems very long, but not as difficult as I imagined. Every day I work hard, hoping to see your smile while you're back.

I always thought that maybe I'll keep my "love" for you, if the feeling should really be called "love", no matter whether you'll get married, have children as I have done. But when I saw the picture with both of you in the sunshine, almost nude on the beach, for the first time I didn't laugh like a baby when I saw the picture from you in the vacation. Maybe my feeling is not as pure as I've thought.

It's not sad, it's not a feeling of disappointment, I don't know how to explain it... It seems that there was something stuck in the stomach that I don't feel well.

I should feel happy as you're happy, shouldn't I?

I miss you, you were in my dream last night again.

Anyway, you have to go far away to protect your beautiful rose. That's what I had already know, but I don't understand why I'm not feeling good.

There must be something missing.

Love,

Miao

Dream & Reality

Dear MM,

I had a dream last Thursday. It was likely that we've been invited to a wedding. There were so many people, everyone was laughing and playing. I don't know why at first we were walking and then you were waiting for me while we were both biking, and in the end was the image of skating together...

It was a beautiful dream, while we were walking on a street with trees on each side, the dim lamp light coming through the leaves, your face was sad with tears shining in the eyes, as you were telling me that you are in love with me, and you know I feel the same way, but we both know that we couldn't be together. After saying that, you hugged me with your strong arms, I leaned onto your shoulder, with tears in the eyes too.

Then it was another story I think, my bike was broken, some friends and you were waiting for me, we all seemed so happy, maybe because it was because of the wedding.

I don't know why, at the end you were skating with my arms around your waist while my feet were in the air.

Anyways, these are the best moments I ever had in my dreams. The thing is amazing is that you joked that you were in love with me the very next day. You'll never know that it was just like a feeling of dream comes true!

There're so many things that is possible only in the dreams.

I want to go to see the sea with you.
I want to go to the very deserted island with you.
I want to spend all day long with you just by your side, talking or just being silence.
I want to listen to you playing guitar.
I want you to read to me the bedtime stories with your charming voice.
...
There're so many things that I want to do with you. But I know well that they'll never happen. The real world is like a mixture of the dream and the reality. Like the letter I'm now writing, there're some feelings you know about me though you don't say all the time, but I record them as if you never know. Because I'm not sure whether you really know me or not.

Missing you.

Love,

Miao

Jealousy

Dear MM,

Love must be the most mysterious but most common emotion that exists in this world.
They always say that the jealousy is the friend of love, if you don't love, you won't have the feelings of jealousy.

When I realized that I couldn't accept what the beautiful colleague did to you, specially the things she showed the intimacy with you, I asked myself whether I was jealous of her beauty instead of the emotion of sadness of losing you. With the time passing by, I finally figure out that what I don't like is the idea of being replaced by someone else to you. I hated the way you explained to me that you were just teasing between her and you like sister and brother, just as we had been.

But today, it seems like that I'm no longer struggling with the idea of leaving, being forgotten or being replaced. After all, I've imagined so many times about this coming future. I was inspired by the notes of BSF, talking about Myriam's jealousy against Moses, in the notes, it says don't be jealousy about the position... It is talking about the church. But I was thinking about myself while reading it.

It's better that you have someone who can replace me, at least you could be happier like that. Why do I want you to be unhappy?

I want you to be happy even if I could not be around you in your life.

Love,

Miao