I'm so useless

Moumoun,
I miss you so much...

I hate myself always having you in my dream. This morning, you talked to me by my ear, saying "I treat yotreat you so much as a real friend..." and then you slapped me lightly, and then I woke almost crying, it was 6h59.

I fell asleep at around 3 o'clock, I don't know whether it was because of the alcohol or my sadness, I couldn't, just as I couldn't forget you and move on.

Last night at the party of working group, I was feeling so unwell, you proposed to send me back home by car, and tried to say that you remembered my address, however you tried, I refused. I just don't want fall again. God knows what I am going through. I don't want ever ever to experience the pain again.

In fact, even I tried to avoid you in every occasion, there's always sometime you want to get me to react to your talking, but dear Moumoun, how am I gonna react when you're not there, how am I gonna react to all the dreams I may have with you inside coldly hurt me, how could I face again being abandoned and forgotten by you? How could I stop loving you?

I cried and cried today, because the dream was so real. Fanfan said that deep inside I hope that I chose to avoid you is wrong, I hope I'm really your friend. But being a friend to you has to accept that you don't care for many things. I feel being teared apart, one part wanting you to treat me indifferently to prove  what I am doing is right, the other preferring that you still care me as I still love you. It hurts each time when I see you, it hurts each time when you try to talk with me.

I feel so bad, how can I stand still two month.

I want to crawl out of the darkness.

I really miss you, I don't want to be missing you.

Love
Miao